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Apr 23, 2004 I recently visited some relatives down south. They live in a very small town in Arkansas and it has come to my attention just how out of touch my relatives are from the world most of us know. My uncle Herly Ray and his brother Burly Ray (That’s really their names) were sitting at the table exercising their mouths and doing twelve ounce curls when Uncle Herly Ray turned to me and asked how my writing was going. “Fine” I replied. Then he asked, “Don’t it take you a long time to write all them there words and stuff”. “No” I replied “I use a word processor”. As I finished my sentence I could see confusion clouding his eyes and for a brief moment I swore I saw smoke coming from his ears. Then to my surprise he said, “I didn’t ask ya about yer cookin”. My reply was silent but my facial expression must have implied the entire works of Webster’s collegial Dictionary because Uncle Burly Ray chimed in, who I might add is known to be the smarter of the two. He said, “ I heard of one of them there Word possessors. Ain’t them used ta make alfer-bit soup cause ya know yer Aunt Melvis has got one of them there Food processors but it don’t make alfer-bits”. I could do nothing but look as dumb as they sounded. Then Uncle Hurly Ray scoffed and asked. “And what’s the deal with them there Salad shooters? Fer the life of me I can not figure why in the hell anyone would want to hunt lettuce and tomatoes It sure ain’t very sportin, hell they don’t do nothin but just lay there”. At this point I smiled as a lovingly as a parent might smile when their three year old asks where babies come from and then I spoke slowly and very clearly “A word processor is used for writing , you know like a computer”. Well apparently they didn’t know. Uncle Hurly Ray smiled happily and asked, “You know Bubba?” “Yah” Uncle Burly Ray chimed in “That’s right Bubba one of them there computers”. “Huh??” I asked. “Well” explained Uncle Burly Ray seeing my confusion “ You know how them there computer is suppose ta be able ta count real high? Well bubba was born with six whole toes on each foot so he can count ta the astronomical number of twenty two”. Uncle Burly Ray smiled proudly for being able to use such a big word as Astronomical and with an over whelming feeling of pride in his own knowledge he continued. “That’s Right” He said, “ And you know how them there computers is suppose ta be able ta print real fast and in ink? Well let me tell ya that boy can print his whole first name in less then two minutes flat and he’s twenty six years old. It ain’t nothing but bull about how they say them there computers need ta be up graded every couple of years. SHOOT, he’s been in the same grade fer nearly eight years and still ain’t been up graded ”. Now Uncle Hurly was on a roll and there was no stopping him. “And I’ll tell ya somethin else. Ya know how them there computers take mega bites? Well you just need ta see the bites Bubba can take and iffin they ain’t mega bites then I don’t know what is. Hell you get yer fingers too close ta him while he’s eatin you might just loose one or two”. Now Uncle Burly caught our attention and with a sorrowful expression said, “Yep, yer right Hurly but bubba has failed in one part of being a computer”. Uncle Hurly nodded his head silently. “Yep” he said sorrowfully, “Computers is suppose ta be able ta hunt and compile data but ya got ta give the boy credit, he goes huntin all the time but he ain’t never got himself one of then there data critters and how the hell is he suppose ta pile um if in he can’t catch one”. At this point all I could do is thank God I was related to them through marriage and did not have any of their gene pool. Which I now truly believe their pool had definitely been peed on more then one occasion. ------------ About the author: Email: RU2BZ46US@YAHOO.COM Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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