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Apr 21, 2004 I have to admit that when I first heard John Kerry say that he would be able to supply the United States with 10 million jobs, should he be elected, that I was incredulous. Okay, I was really sleeping through his speech so it took a few days before I saw the headline. But that’s beside the point. 10 million jobs is a lot. That’s like a one followed by…uh…some zeros. And commas. And it all adds up. I suppose that it may be necessary in some parts of this world to look for genuine work. I don’t have that problem since I’m a writer and writers, generally speaking, don’t do much of anything except express opinions that no one wants to hear anyway. In other words, writers are pretty much the same thing as back seat drivers. But this isn’t all bad. Through my super secret sources as a writer, involving things known as “dead drops”, “informants”, and “imaginary friends”, I have discovered exactly how John Kerry will be able to supply the United States with 10 million jobs, without doing anything technically illegal, nor joining the mafia. He will give jobs that have just recently been vacated! Imagine the press releases now, the advertisements in the newspapers (which nobody reads), on the internet (which nobody leaves), and on TV (for which I have no witty saying to insert here). I imagine the commercials will go something like this: Cue depressing music Announcer: Are you unemployed? Looking for work? Unable to find it? We feel your pain, and we are here to help you get the job you have always wanted! Cue cheesy spastic music Announcer: That’s right! John Kerry wants to give you a job! And not just any old job, an important job! One that will give you international fame instantly! Become more than just a target for character assassination! You’re worth the real thing, which is why every sentence in this paragraph ends with an exclamation point! That’s right, positions are currently available in the West Bank for you to become the next leader of Hamas. Former experience as a suicide bomber is a plus, but is not necessary. Leadership experience is not needed, as this is a train-as-you-go approach. All you need to be able to do is chant “Death to Israel” and “Death to America”. The benefits are endless. You will have your own body guards, hiding place, AK47, and endless health club benefits including: + Running from Israeli tanks to get a good cardiovascular workout. + Dodging missiles from helicopters. + Scrounging for food during a siege. But best of all, you will no longer be unemployed. So take this opportunity today to join up and become the next Hamas leader. Don’t worry if you aren’t accepted this time around. The position is generally open every two weeks. ------------ About the author: My name is Peter Pike, and I approve of this message. Visit PeterPike.com. Or else. Email: peter@peterpike.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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