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Mar 6, 2003 Gee Wally, it sure is cold out there. I think its high time we packed up and headed west. Well, if I ever do head to a warmer climate this will be the winter that did it to me. The arctic conditions, however, cannot stop this mind from churning out a few sardonic remarks to keep you all entertained. - It looks like Phil Spector has jettisoned back into the headlines of the entertainment world with his suspected involvement in the murder of B-movie actress Lana Clarkson. Yet another example of the perfect way for a former entertainment icon to regain their 15 minutes of fame. It first worked with O.J., then it put Robert Blake back on the map and now Phil Spector has got his name in the papers again. Just a word of advice to anyone who is acquainted with M.C. Hammer . . . WATCH OUT! - Teaching the elderly how to operate DVDs, computers and any other new-fangled electronic product is nowhere near as easy as the commercials would lead one to believe. You know the ones I mean, where Grandpa is looking at the pictures of his new granddaughter on the computer and laughing in slow motion with the cheesy corporate jingle playing in the background. Apparently they left out the part where Gramps is calling you twelve times a day asking you why he cant turn on the damn computer and how this thing was the biggest waste of money since he bought that zoot suit back in the forties. Bottom line folks, teaching your grandparents the intricacies of technology is like teaching your dead dog to . . . well, not be dead. Its just not gonna happen. - Gary Busey, the poor mans Nick Nolte, is the reigning king of the used DVD section at Newbury Comics. Seriously, Gary Busey is the headliner of every third movie thats been pawned by some pothead trying to get some quick cash for a dime bag. What is going on? Is America really that unaware of this guys talent. I mean, this is the same Gary Busey that got top billing in Lethal Weapon . . . after Mel Gibson, and Danny Glover . . . and maybe Darlene Love . . . and possibly the girl that played Riggss police psychiatrist . . . and maybe the Captain too. Just a mistake folks. You are sure gonna regret it when Gary Busey makes his comeback. Mark my words. - A while back there was a big fuss that we should not eat Tuna because they were killing Dolphins to acquire aforesaid Tuna. Ummmm, is this a little strange to anyone. Why is no one concerned about the Tuna. Man, if I were a Tuna Fish I would be bringing a discrimination suit faster than you could say flipper. - Speaking of fish, I think we really have to work on improving relations with France. It seems like everything we suggest, they are causing a problem. Now they dont want to aid Turkey in case Iraq attacks the Turkish border. You know that they are being difficult just to tick us off. But you know what, I cant say that I blame them. I think that we have really annoyed the hell out them with our obnoxious tourists. You know the ones Im talking about; the bald guy that wears the shirts adorned with bait and tackle illustrations who also blurts Ooh la la and Viva la France every time he sees a real live French person and then attempts his mangled version of their language. Hey, President Bush, if you want France to be a little more co-operative you can start by trying to keep these bums stateside. - When we were all kids our camp counselors and teachers used to give us a lot of advice that, now that we can think for ourselves, doesnt make all that much sense. For instance, you didnt know how to spell a word and someone would tell you to look it up. Okay, so how do you spell it so I can look it up in the goddamned alphabetically ordered dictionary that you have upstairs. Then there was the good ole Dont be a follower, be a leader advice that I now realize to be tragically flawed. First, in order to execute such wisdom, one must paradoxically follow the advice. Second, if everyone acted in such a fashion, there would be absolutely no leaders because there would be no one to follow them. Finally, what do we call the people who always have to be the boss? The guy that nobody likes! Face it parents, teachers, camp counselors and after school specials, all kids have a role to play. Just let them play it. - My favorite words of wisdom from figures of authority was always the question If everyone jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would you? Okay, let me get this straight. Everyone jumps off this bridge and Im supposed to sit around and strike up a conversation with the rats in the Holland Tunnel. No thank you. I think Ill jump to. -Another one that boggles my mind is the saying Dont put off until tomorrow what you can do today. This is the most nefarious scheme that the Man has ever devised. It is simply a ruse to rob us of all free time. Think about it, there is always something that you have to do. If you never put anything off, then you can never really have any time to yourself. Just another example of the stoopidity of the over-achieving man. - If someone has an I.Q. of 70 does that mean they dont know the difference between circles and squares? - How is yogurt 99% fat free? How come they cant get that last 1% out of there? And, infinitely more important, where is that last 1%? Is it on the bottom or is it closer to the top? I really wish they would have the decency to tell us these things. -Remember the smelly kid in school? I wonder if that guy still smells. I also wonder if I was the smelly kid in school. I dont think I was, but if I were, would anyone really have told me. Think about that next time you make fun of the smelly guy at work. - Laziness is really a form of economics. It is simply an allocation of how you want to spend your time. If you happen to sleep all day, what you are doing is making a deliberate decision on how you want to invest your time. There is nothing wrong with this. For instance, when I lived in my dumpy two-bedroom apartment in Boston I was not fortunate enough to have a dishwasher. The dishes piled up in my sink and I swore that if only I had a brain . . . I mean a dishwasher, I would never let the dishes pile up again. Ah, but alas, now I have a dishwasher and I still let the dishes pile up. Laziness? Some might say so in their unenlightened way, but I prefer to look at it as an efficient use of my time. You see, regardless of whether I have a dishwasher or not, it still takes less immediate time to simply leave the dishes in the sink. Think of it like a credit card. You are saving time now, when you need it to sit on your ass and watch Joe Millionaire, and you can spend it later when the local news is on. - Unbelievable story of the day: A friend of mine used his parents phone to call 1-900- numbers when he was a kid. He rang up a huge phone bill and his parents questioned him about the calls. He posited that maybe someone broke into their home and made the calls. And they bought it! - Looking to escape the repetitive monotony of Scategories, Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit? Try this game. Pick a last name of a famous figure from history and rename them with a pedestrian first name. Jesus Christ? How about Steve Christ? Adolph Hitler? Try Jeff Hitler. Chris Gahndi. Danny Zedong. Billy Bonaparte. Rick Stalin. You can go on for ever with this one. - If anyone has ever been to an over-18 website (and we all have), did you happen to notice that they asked you to hit the exit icon if you are underage. Umm . . . has anyone in the history of the internet ever done this? - I dont think we should feel bad about eating meat. Something tells me that if a starving tiger walked through my yard he wouldnt forgo the opportunity to eat me because there was some perfectly good shrubbery nearby. - Memo to the guy holding up traffic because he wants to watch the flaming car on the other side of the highway: Go home and watch it on Fox on your time, not on the highway on my time! - We should not send one soldier to Iraq. Just take all our rapists, murders, armed robbers and drop them off in the desert and see what happens. - And now I offer my professional analysis on the Democratic primary candidates, keeping in mind that I am only concerned with charisma because they basically all have the same stance on the issues, namely, do whatever I can to get elected and re-elected: John Kerry: Smart guy. The only problem is that on a bad day he looks like an extra from the night of the living dead. On a good day it just looks like his face is melting. Joe Lieberman: I like Joe. Unfortunately, he looks like the kind of guy that would have terrible breath and enough dandruff so as to justify installing a high-speed detachable quad from his head to his shoulders. Howard Dean: Who the hell is Howard Dean? Al Sharpton: Okay, we need an African-American president. It would help break down racial prejudices that simply need to go. I would vote for Colin Powell. I would vote for J.C. Watts. Unfortunately, Reverend Sharptons past promoting fights makes him too shady a character for the Oval office. Oops, thats Don King isnt it. Well, the fact that I made that mistake is enough to eliminate Al from the running. John Edwards: Ambulance chaser. Nuff said. So who does that leave us? Dick Gephardt? Dick Gephardt? Great. What happened the last time we elected a Dick to the White House. No, Im not talking about Clinton, Im talking about Nixon. Sorry, Gephart, your name just doesnt work in the White House. I guess that means we dont have any good Democratic candidates this time around. Ill just have to suck it up and vote for . . . Martin Sheen. Email Ian Prior: ian_prior@hotmail.com . ------------ Comment on this column in the forum. ------------ |
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