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 By Patrick Hurley Mar. 22, 2006 For those of you who have had your brackets busted to smithereens, let me enlighten you the remainder of the way. I have a sure fire method of picking the winners from here on out and you will look like a GENIUS with my winners. You just have to trust me because my system is a bit, uh, WILD! I believe the winning teams can be determined by their MASCOTS. Still with me? Okay, let's go to Thursday's games.... Duke vs. LSU. No contest. The blue devils against the tigers of LSU. Who wants to mess with SATAN? Especially, when he is freezing cold. He will charm the tiger with his "angel of light" disguise and then melt their saber-like teeth in the inferno of his eternal fire. Besides, Sheldon Williams and Josh McRoberts will control the inside and J.J. Redick will be firing threes from everywhere. But, it will be the blue devil who will prevail. West Virginia vs Texas. A mountaineer against a...STEER? Well, this one is easy. Go with the guy who has the GUN! The longhorn will never get close enough to do any damage. After the game there will be a big barbecue for West Virginia fans...ribs, butt steak, porterhouse, shredded beef with lots of sauce. Yummy. Memphis vs. Bradley. The tigers from Tennessee against the braves from Illinois. Memphis is known for Graceland and the Blues. Peoria is the place that Richard Nixon said, "If our politics plays there, it will play ANYWHERE!" Tigers eat braves. Memphis wins. Gonzaga vs. UCLA. The bulldog is a ferocious canine who never gives up. The bruin can be lethargic and a little too laid back. Jaw strength versus speed. Once the bulldog gets its teeth into the bruin, it could get ugly. The UCLA bruin looks happy and effeminate. Gonzaga. Connecticut vs. Washington. I have a MAJOR problem here. Both schools have a husky for a mascot! However, in looking at the two representations, the Connecticut version is a lot more scary! Go with Connecticut. George Mason vs. Wichita State. The patriot against a ...SHOCKER? What in the heck is that? I think it is someone who works in the wheat fields. That would make sense because Wichita is in the wheat part of the country, right? I am going with a minuteman to beat up on farmer boy. George Mason wins. Villanova vs. Boston College. The kids from Philly are wildcats. Boston College is an eagle. The eagle is our national symbol. He swoops down and attacks. The wildcat will not know what hit him. Eagles rule. BC wins. Florida vs. Georgetown. The gator is a vicious and fast animal, calculating and patient and then they POUNCE! Georgetown's mascot is a HOYA. Since no one is really sure what a HOYA is, they have a character dressed up like a bulldog. Take the gator who is NOT suffering from identity crisis and is not in therapy. Florida. That takes us to the Elite Eight for the weekend's games. Duke's satanists will muzzle the mountaineers because you cannot kill beelzebub with a gun. Duh. He is a SPIRIT! Duke wins. The tigers of Memphis will outclaw the bulldogs of Gonzaga because they are bigger and faster. That sets up satan against the tiger in the Final Four. Satan goes to the National Championship game. In the other brackets, the mean husky of Connecticut will chew up the patriot of George Mason because the minuteman is not used to fighting dogs, just stupid British troops who march dumbly into his line of fire. The eagles of Boston College will drive the gators of Florida CRAZY! They will be looking for the attack in the water and will never figure out it is coming from the sky above. Boston College will play the Huskies of Connecticut in the other semi-final for the right to meet Duke. By now, the eagle is exhausted from all that flying around. The husky had help from his brothers and sisters at the iditarod. The fresher dog will win. Connecticut plays Satan. In a spiritual upset of eternal proportions, Connecticut beats the evil demon and tosses him into the lake of fire forever. (at least for this year!) How does this happen? He gets satan laughing by singing the, "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah," flea and tick commercial jingle and just when the devil believes the Husky is a harmless white pooch, all the other huskies come off the sled bench and overwhelm him into oblivion. Watch for the bench scoring in the final. There is only one satan, but there are MANY dogs who relentlessly wear down the bad boy. If you heed my advice, you will win. I have animal instincts. Follow the mascots. Yeah, baby! ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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