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 By Patrick Hurley Feb. 27, 2006 As the final curtain descends upon northern Italy's feast of winter sports one thing is now certain: These games made history. The question remains, good history or bad? Will they be remembered as noble, heroic and passionate or selfish, goofy and disappointing? The answer is a little bit of the first and a HUGE dose of the second. There were high points, yes. The Austrian skiers were breathtaking and (shockingly!) drug-free as they whipped down the mountain slopes like avenging angels intent on proving to the world that the whipping noises of their breakneck skis as they attacked the snow is still their personal, "Sound of Music." Sweden upset the world in men's hockey leaving the heavily favored Canadians shaking their heads. Germany won the overall medal count of the games proving once again that when it comes to winter precision, they are the world's finest. We gasped as we watched Julie Mancuso come blasting out of the fog and snow to capture a gold medal for our country and we marveled at the Chinese sprint skaters as they swept the medals leaving the other countries to ask, "Who are those GIRLS?" Disappointments? Well, Bode Miller stayed (mostly) sober and got shut out in all five races he entered. What made things worse, was that he did not seem to care as much about the sport as he did about himself as he redefined the Olympic motto from, "swifter, higher, stronger," to, "slower, lower showier.". We stood up cheering Lindsey Jacobellis as she neared the finish line in her quest for snowboarding gold but we sat right back down almost as quickly as she "hot-dogged" her way right off the front cover of the Wheaties box. There remains a possibility her spokeswoman days are safe, however, thanks to Oscar Meyer. The men's hockey team celebrated the twenty-fifth anniversary of Lake Placid's, "Miracle on Ice!" by getting eliminated that same day from the tournament. They would up 1-4-1 making certain that tiny American flags would not see a major profit anywhere near the rink. The women's team, favored to win the gold, stumbled to a silver medal. We had a gold in speed skating but the individual who won it, Shani Davis, and his teammate Chad Hedrick, acted like jr. highers at the press conference thereby negating any honor that went with that victory. Can't we all just get along? Michelle Kwan weaseled her way onto the ice skating team because, well, she IS Michelle Freaking Kwan! Somehow her plane flight over the Atlantic pulled her groin muscle even more out of whack and it was left to Sasha Cohen to win the gold medal. Any moron could see during Sasha's final warmup on the final night she was either heavily medicated or scared witless. She fell three times just PRACTICING. This was quickly followed by two more ice eaters in her final rotation giving her a silver medal. She was lucky to get that because every other serious competitor fell, too. The lady from Japan, Shizuka Arakawa, playing a five-iron off the final tee instead of a driver, carefully stayed on her feet and won the gold medal proving my mother's incessant reminder, "Tis better to be safe than SORRY!" The United States won 34 medals in Salt Lake City in 2002 nine more than the Turin Games. But, that is what home cooking will do for a country. We looked athletically bad in women's speed skating, some of the sliding events and, for the most part, in the ski runs. Why some of these coaches got paid for the past four years is beyond comprehension. It is also a curious thing that we never do well in the biathalon since Americans own millions of guns. Ted Ligety came out of nowhere to win the gold medal for his country and Shani Davis was the first black man to win a gold medal in the winter games ensuring him a featured interview on Bryant Gumbel's thinly veiled racist program on HBO. All in all, it was a boring Olympics mainly because we all knew the results ten hours in advance and because, "American Idol," "Desperate Housewives," "Survivor," and, "CSI" are not about to let ice and snow intrude on our nation's consciousness. Stay tuned for the 2008 Summer Olympics coming to you from Bejing, China, that wonderful place where human rights are not only repressed, they are stomped to death. Even the terrorists won't bother anyone there. They are afraid they will become tomorrow's egg foo yung. If you want to see another Munich, you are going to have to wait until the Games are in London or Paris where the security guards are either really polite or full of wine. In the meantime, history has recorded another Olympic Games for posterity. Unfortunately, too many of our athletes from the United States got their words mixed up and wound up performing on their posterior leaving General Mills a limited number of championship choices and forcing them to wait until the end of basketball season to place their new heroes on the box. Put your money on J.J. Redick. ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has won three Emmy awards for writing, hosting and producing television shows. He resides in Southern California. Email: coolhumor@sbcglobal.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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