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Sept. 29, 2005 In early September, when last seen on Aruba, standing off-shore in waters that lapped seductively around her dimpled knees, with the rocks in her pockets anchoring her firmly to the golden-sand seabed lest she, too, be swept out to sea by an errant wave, Beth Holloway-Twitty tearfully announced that she was departing the balmy climes of Aruba but vowed, like General Douglas MacArthur, "I shall return!" http://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/sept/article109.html Less than a week later, miraculously rejuvenated, the mother of the vanished Natalee Holloway, the beautiful missing-from-Aruba Alabama honours student who, according to various websites, was awarded an eight-year, full-ride scholarship for a four-year premedicine degree at the University of Alabama, announced her return to the fray, reinforced by the presence of a big stick and even bigger bucks wielded by Philadelphia-based philanthropist Joe Mammana. http://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/sept/article201.html As Joe so pithily put it to MSNBC-TV’s Rita Cosby, “Rita, one last thing. I just want the people of Aruba to know that Natalee Holloway’s mom, Beth Twitty, and Joe Mammana are coming back to Aruba. Hell is coming with them, we did not forget Natalee Holloway.” God works his wonders in many ways and, indeed, it will be God's blessing if Aruba’s immigration laws will admit a convicted and jailed ex-kid to their island paradise. Alas, Aruba seems not to have been in Joe’s destiny. Three long weeks have gone by since then and Aruba is still decidedly Beth-less, Joe-less--and blessedly Hell-less. We do know that Beth Holloway-Twitty, the media-maven-loving mother of Natalee Holloway has, in addition to acquiring high-end wheels for a family member, been busily crisscrossing America in her quest for camera time to promote her dual mantras of revenge and repatriation-by-donation. Joe Mamanna has been laying low as of late, possibly working extended shifts at the egg factories, for is not Fall the prime breeding time for Rhode Island Reds, those prolific egg producers which are the backbone of any profitable chicken farm? However, whatever the reason for Joe’s unexplained layover amongst his layers in Philadelphia, Beth Holloway, ever the pragmatist, decided that ‘if the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, then Mohammed must go to the mountain’ and she hied herself off to the City of Brotherly Love yesterday, to meet with Mr. Mamanna and a local attorney. Joe, whose pronouncements can ofttimes curdle the milk of human kindness, was obviously not feeling too brotherly as he is reported to have vowed, premeeting, “"We're going to hound and harass these people forever." Obviously, sweet music indeed to Mohammad’s ears. CBC told us on September 27 that Beth, the media-maven-loving mother, had announced to her breathless viewing public, “ she's going to Holland "to make sure that everyone realizes and still knows that the reward money is still out there...And we've had posters printed in Dutch that we will be distributing in Amsterdam." It should be quite the jaunt, as undoubtedly the nearest that her entourage will have ever been to something Dutch is to have been on the outside of a few Tanqueray gin drinks at the Country Club. Curiously, Beth has left unanswered her reasons for specifically targeting Holland as she casts her nets further and further afield Natalee knows no Dutch (at least she didn’t before she left for Aruba); the prevailing ocean currents could never carry a body from off-shore Aruba to the banks of the Zeider Zee; Patrick Hurley is strictly unilingual (as is all of the Holloway entourage, you know, umm, err); AmSouth Bank, as of yesterday, would not accept donations in Euros; and strict libel, loitering and antilittering laws will crimp the inimitable Holloway/Mamanna charisma (in most towns it is not allowed to just hang up posters everywhere http://p105.ezboard.com/ftheunusualsuspectsfrm7.showMessageRange?topicID=129.topic&start=21&stop=25). Will the group be stuffing their suitcases with yellow ribbons and $5-plus-shipping, blue, Remember Natalee bracelets, hoping to blitz the bemused citizenry on the airport’s arrivals concourse? Lots of luck, as the Dutch have long, bitter memories of the Nazis forcing Dutch Jews to wear yellow identifiers prior to ultimately being taken off to the death camps, and Dutch skinheads, if they see trays of yellow ribbons, will likely attack the vendors on sight. Maybe it’s time for Beth to go back and see Dr. Phil again, but in a personal capacity this time? The last one was on-air, for donations; Beth now looks and acts like she’s long overdue for an off-camera, in-chair visit. She could barely hold it together when she was running between Alabama and Aruba; she now seems to be rapidly unravelling as she adds the Netherlands to her voyages of vengeance. Could it be that, as a retired speech therapist, she is only comfortably dealing with destinations that begin and end in A (as do Aruba and Alabama) and a mental block is kicking in as she has to wrap her tongue around previously unpronounced words such as Dutch, Holland and Netherlands? Should that prove to be the case, Dr. Phil, advise your patient to forgo the trip to Holland: there are lots of other domestic and international destinations that begin and end with an A (Alaska, Albania, Algeria, Argentina and Antarctica do come readily to mind). All of the foregoing are just as relevant to Natalee’s vanishing as is Holland and, inasmuch as all except Alaska have weaker currencies, they’ll be much easier on your credit card (you are still footing the bills, aren’t you?) The libel, loitering and littering laws will be nowhere near as draconian in those destinations (though Beth should observe Hijab in Algeria) and she could even arrange to have Hurley tootle his Tundra through to Algiers, saving you hundreds of dinars in local taxi fares. Think upon these things, Phil, as you try to soothe the savage guest. Should you choose not to waive your professional fee and if you are into fee-splitting, please donate my share to a fund for hurricane relief. ------------ About the author: Dayo Gould is a frequent visitor to Aruba, and is a volunteer ESL teacher in a Christian school. Email: ed_asp@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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