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Sept. 25, 2005 Here is a lovely collection of broad generalizations, laced with personal opinion and subjectivity. The non-facetious/sarcastic text is in italics, more or less – maybe less than more? I don't know... Enjoy. A blank conservative thinks that the unique time, place, and nation into which he is born is somehow special, and that the universe itself has ordained him to help keep it as it is, wrongs and all. How lucky we are that the very many conservatives of the past, lost, so to speak. A blank conservative thinks that a certain amount of stature and wealth, earned because society functions relatively well and because 'the railroads were finished in the 1800s', has the right to build high castle walls around his estate, thereby passing on his fortune to his future generations (which did nothing to earn that money). The blank conservative likes the notion of aristocracy. "Most of the things that have generated the enormous advances in our economy are things that started on some campus or in some laboratory. And most of those are because the government financed it.” -- Bill Gates Sr., father of Bill Gates of Microsoft fame (who agrees) The blank conservative pretends to believe that money doesn't buy favor because this is a perfect society, with well educated juries, for example, where millions spent on the best lawyers have little impact on the outcome of legal proceedings. “Money buys yachts, not real advantage! And the folks working in yacht factories are grateful!” Should money really buy justice or even influence it? The blank conservative believes that the poor aren't poor because they have food, cable TV, and air conditioning. “This is enough”, the blank conservative says, “after all, the pyramid builders were happy to work for beer!”. The blank conservative believes that life itself has a price tag, “Healthcare is not a right! So what if the next generation of rich kids can buy life extending technologies? So what if rich people will tend to live longer than poor people?! If only poor people tried harder, they could live longer too.” The blank conservative thinks that it's cheaper to replace the public school system with vouchers benefiting religious groups (which in turn may help make more Republicans). “Public education doesn't work! We must discount the other rich nations and their public education systems as good models to emulate because they are un-American bastions of socialism and secularism!” The blank conservative cannot understand why people dislike successful, profitable, companies like Wal-mart, because the Free Market is the sole pillar of America. It would be very difficult to get Congress to ban a George Carlin book – it's still somewhat un-American to ban books. Wal-mart, however, pulled his recent book off of their shelves. Wal-mart is everywhere, and in many places, it's the sole exposure many people have to many goods, making boycotts silly at best. I don't remember voting to give this behemoth such power and influence. Are rich corporations the fourth branch of government? The blank conservative thinks that religious, class and color-based majorities are persecuted by their respective minorities. The blank conservative pretends that race isn't an issue, but only when it suits him. The blank conservative touts State's rights when it suits him. If the issue really cuts against the conservative social grain he will, however, make an exception. The blank conservative thinks there is no harm for a technologically advanced society that benefits greatly from science to attack its foundation in science in exchange for short term political gain. The blank conservative thinks that broad, overwhelming, scientific consensus which disagrees with his position implies a conspiracy fueled either by evil or un-Americanism (depending on the flavour of the conservative). The blank conservative thinks that all of the climate models attempting to forecast global change are wrong – except those models used by oil company scientists. He also believes that oil company scientists have credentials that outweigh the rest, and that there is no possibility for a conflict of interest. “Yesterday it was DAMN cold here in my little neck of the woods, so of COURSE Global Warming is just a religious tool of socialist nations and elite scientists!” The really blank conservative thinks that an all powerful being will not allow man to destroy our life support system and therefore, we should exploit, exploit, and, exploit some more without fear. The really blank conservative thinks that an all powerful being will bring about the end of the universe because gay men are having sex. Ok, not ALL blank people are conservatives [just of most of them! Kidding, of course]: The blank liberal thinks that global change can happen entirely without ever using force or the threat of force. Pacifism is as valid a philosophy as any – valid in terms of being something to believe in, not valid in terms of actually working in the real world in all cases. The blank liberal thinks that “alternative” energy sources alone can give the world the energy it needs. The blank liberal allows idealism to trump science with regards to the environment, which is why he believes that dihydrogen monoxide “pollution” is a serious threat. Real environmentalism is science based – cut out the science, and you lose the fight, not to mention credibility. The blank liberal hopes that democracy will fail in Iraq because the war was started unjustly. The blank liberal claims to feel the pain of the third world, yet ignores that the rising wages and standards of living in India are a direct result of American outsourcing. Globalism is here, the question is, what form will it take? The battle needs to move to shaping Globalism – violence at World Bank meetings isn't helping starving children in Africa, it just helps me look like a fool to non-nuanced conservative types when I declare that I'm Liberal ;) The blank liberal opposed John Roberts! Roberts is the best Democrats could possibly hope for – any outcry should be saved for a real bad guy, which Roberts CLEARLY is not. This adds fuel to conservative half-truths that interest groups run the Democratic party, and makes opposing Bush's next choice harder. The blank liberal believes that there is no difference between the political parties – they are both evil! Supreme Court picks was a CLEAR difference, and every liberal should have voted for ANY Democrat running in ANY election higher than mayor! Nader should have been given hugs and awards, but not money and votes. What's with the word, “blank”? Step1. Locate a replacement word, suggestions include: stupid, silly, ignorant, foolish, highly-misinformed, ideologically-blinded, simpleminded, baboon-ish, sheep-like, bovine-esq [NOTE: some of these are not real words, use at your own risk] Step2. Copy the text of this column Step3. Paste into your favorite word processor, examples: MS Word, OpenOffice Writer Step4. Fire up the Search and Replace function, and replace “blank” with the word you chose in step1 Step5. Re-read the edited column, have a drink and relax, it's all for fun ;) ------------ About the author Frederick Smith: I enjoy writing about the positive virtues of humanism - humanists are the good guys. This is my second foray into the UK writing discordia. This time around, I want to be a tad more raw - maybe a bit edgier (does that sound "art-see"?) Maybe I'll address even more issues that most Americans consider taboo... About my personal background and life: I was born, I got some education, worked, ate, and had some kids. It seems I like to write – something that was unknown to me until relatively recently...How's that for detail? ;) Like so many these days, I too have a blog! But, I haven't updated it since the day after I signed up for it, so I won't bother to give out the link. I tend to make the same silly grammatical errors over and over again, and my many many attempts at proofreading often fail, so if you find anything wrong, send me some hate mail; I do love to get hate mail! Email: dahlek65@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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