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Nov. 23, 2005 I walked into an Arab-owned store the other day. The store is just a block from my house and I have an excellent relationship with the proprietor. In fact, one day after purchasing some shall we say-movies yet to be officially released-he called me to the side. "Hey buddy, I have been reading a lot of your work on this internet thing called 'Useless (which he pronounced 'Oosless') Knowledge.' You seem like quite the fair minded individual." "I do my best," I replied. "The Arab world needs a spokesman like you." I could see where he was heading and shook my head adamantly/ "I don't want Dick Cheney's boys hassling me. I've never been to prison and don't look forward to going as a middle aged man." "I would never ask you to betray your fellow infidels," he said. "It would simply be a case of you presenting OBL's viewpoint to your people." "You mean an interview type of thing with Osama?" "Yes." "And just how do we pull that off?" "Leave it to me, Beaver," he quipped. A week later I was on a plane headed to Pakistan, where I was net at the airport by a man who introduced himself to me as "Guide.' He drover for hours through a mountainous region, all the while insisting I finish the fifth of gin he had given me. "We would not like for you to go back and alert your leaders to Osama's whereabouts." By the third drink I had passed out. When I awakened I was on a queen-size bed (a psychological move to emasculate me, so I would pose no challenge to their insecure leader). I was inside an-and I know this sounds like an oxymoron-elaborate and exquisitely furnished cave. I won't go into details other than to say that on a big screen TV several of the boys were watching a Vanessa Del Rio film. When they realized I was awake they hurriedly slipped on a Three Stooges DVD--a hilarious episode called, "Hu-la-la" that featured Shemp as a dance instructor on an uncharted Island. They had replaced the island chieftains words and dubbed their own lines onto the DVD. Lines like: "Typical American imperialism…forcing your debauchery and culture on the natives," and "When you get down to it, those three lads are s shade smarter than Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld." They chuckled at the absurdity of their insults as I looked on shaking my head. And that was the one thing that stood out about Osamam and his cohorts: They had a strong sense of humor. One even began rapping and hitting poses, all the while chanting to me in a mocking tone, "Did you sleep well/O infidel/ America is going to hell-Yeahhhhhh boy!" (Snoop Dogg has nothing to worry about). Afterward the song and dance dinner was served: Rabbit, brown rice, a bowl of couscous and brown rice. While eating they asked me about life in America, peppering me with comments like, "You infidels are rapping yourselves right to self destruction," "Your scantily clad, docile, teenage whores will someday be our slaves," etc. Finally the big man arrived and by reflex, I stood. He motioned for me to sit and then he joined the lot of us. "Enjoying your dinner, Infidel?" "With all due respect Mr. bin-Ladin…" "Call me, 'O'." "Look O, I have a name. It's-" "I know your name, Mr. Stelly. I find your articles amusing, but you are not an ass kissing conservative like so many Americans of the Negroid persuasion. Now the reason I call you 'infidel' is because you are American. Take no offense, it's a force of habit." He bit into a piece of rabbit and nodded his approval. "Good job, Haqnod." O looked at me and said, "Let me introduce my-as you infidels are wont to say-'posse'. I suppose it stems from your cowboy/John Wayne mentality. To my right is my head of security, Hassan bin-Laid, my chef-Haqnod, my minister of information Yakub Sirius, and my cousin Lefty." "Let me get to the point," I began. "You come from a wealthy family and could have the home of your dreams. Don't you hate having to live in a cave?" "Typical American materialism. Living in the earth-one your people are hell-bent on destroying-brings me closer to it." "Okay, the suicide bomber thing: You are asking young men to sacrifice themselves while you live lavishly. Why not lead by example?" "Is not Heaven more beautiful and joyful than earth? I am helping them. On top of entry into Heaven, they will receive-tell them what they receive Don Pardollah!" A Don Pardo-like voice (broadcast over a speaker system and originating from one of the back rooms of the cave) blared the following announcement: "Upon your arrival in Heaven you'll receive-a new body, one free from sickness…" The bodyguards clapped, like members of a studio audience. "And you will spend your time in Heaven in a blissful, euphoric, all-knowing state, served by 72 virgins who will obey your every whim. This prize package is priceless and is brought to you by Allah! Back to you, Osama!" "So essentially these men are blowing themselves up for sex?" "In your twisted American view, that is so. But not all of the young men do this willingly. I once had a wisecracking soldier, Qris Raque was his name. I told him about the seventy-two virgins and he said, 'What if I just threw a stone at someone, and settled for a low-rent apartment with three buxom hoes?' While his levity went over big with the others-and I admit, I also thought it was funny, nut only for a moment-I had him stoned. As you see, irony is alive and well." "What is it about America specifically that chafes your loins?" O nodded, "Nice imagery. There are many things. But most important is your hedonistic style of living, that you spread across the world, corrupting all and now trying to corrupt the children of Islam." "Not every nation aspires to become a theocracy. What about free will?" "Free will, free schmill. The Imams know what is best. Life can be fun even without pornography, excessive imbibing and other such tomfoolery." "Well before you got here, your boys were…" A pie-eyed Haqnod shook his head rapidly. I cut my sentence short. "What I mean is, your boys were quite kind. Anyway, your philosophy is rooted in hypocrisy. On the one hand, you espouse Islam; on the other hand, you want to kill everyone who doesn't agree with you-in particular, Westerners." "That is not hypocrisy. Allah has always encouraged his soldiers to love the enemy. But when the enemy spits in your eye, you must slay him." "But Allah is forgiving and even blesses the ignorant. He loves the Christian and the Buddhist as much as he does the Muslim." "But not the ones who read girlie magazines, possess nuclear weapons and seek to rule the world." "Okay, where in the Qu'ran does it say to blow up buildings, kill innocent people and whatnot?" "You must read between the lines, my friend. Religious books are full of symbolism and hidden meaning. And alter your blasphemous tone, or I will give you one of those Stooges eye pokes, then behead you and play soccer with your head for laughs." "All I'[m saying is that with the world trade center attacks you took many innocent lives." "How many innocent lives have Americans taken in Afghanistan and Iraq?" "You triggered that whole series of events, then boasted about it." Osama shrugged. "Touché. But what about before then? Your country has always had the dream of owning the earth, monopolizing it's resources and forcing capitalism and Christianity on all." "I don't know about the Christianity part." "Your George Bush is the devil incarnate. I should have whacked his father when I had the chance." "I thought it was Saddam who tried to kill his father?" "It was MY plan!" Osama said, slamming his fist onto the table. "Saddam just wanted the credit. Talk about a megalomaniac! That guy told his soldiers to call him 'Red", then went around telling the ladies that the Red Sea was named after him." Osama shook his head. "He's the bastard son of a thousand retarded goats. Living in a hole in a wall-like a rat." "You know, O, you have a lot in common with George Bush. You both want the world to dance to your tune." "Perhaps that is so, but my tune is, 'Why Can't We Be Friends'. His is, 'Don't Fear The Reaper'," "Colin Powell said that Middle Eastern countries fail to nurture competent business people and that your economy suffers for it. Your response?" "As long as we have oil, we will always be players in the game of global economics. Our goal is to keep our resources out of the hands of the Great Satan. By the way, I own a computer company that allows PC users to erase all cookies completely. I call it, 'Computer Chips Ahoy!' You know-Computers? Cookies? Chips?" "I get it," I answered. "Anyway, what is it you would like to say to the American people?" "I would love for us to be allies, but your leaders have made this an impossibility. So I warn you, we will attack again. We will attack your buildings and monuments-being that you seem more concerned about them than your homeless and downtrodden." Even after the ass kicking you got in Afghanistan? We did in six weeks what the Soviets failed to do in ten YEARS." "As for the Soviets, their war strategy is like their attempts at foreplay: Clumsy, brutal and rooted in ignorance." "But you can't win a battkle with America. You might have a few symbolic victories, but your joy will be short-lived." "Poppycosk! You had better start printing your school books in Arabic," he said opointing his fork in my direction. "There will be no more of your George Washington cherry tree stories, Honest Abe b.s. or tales about that lovable goofball Ronald Reagan. You will be learning about Mohammed, Allah and ME! And you will accept it, otherwise you will perish!" "So you flew me halfway around the globe just to tell me that? Wouldn't a phone call have sufficed?" "A phone call would have caused you undue hardship." "When the FBI finds out about our little chat, I'm sure they'll come-a calling." I stood. "Nonetheless, I have one final question." "Please proceed." "The Qu'ran, Surah 60:7,states, 'It may be that Allah will bring about friendship between you and those of them whom you hold as enemies. And Allah is powerful; and Allah is forgiving, merciful.' So why aren't you?" "The answer to that is simple. I am not Allah." ------------ About the author: Timothy Stelly is a 46-year old California native with a wide variety of interests-from fishing to politics, which have a lot in common: Both require you to deal with worms and most of your time is spent idling. He is a former Democrat, believing that Party represents outdated ideas. He is officially registered as an Independent, choosing to keep his options open. Timothy is also the author of more than 80 screenplays and novels, two of which have been "published": "Tempest In The Stone" and "The Malice Of Cain", both available through PublishAmerica. He defines his writing style as "Hip-hop fiction; a cross between Richard Pryor and Richard Wright." His UK columns is written in a hard-edged style, but he is not yet a curmudgeon or a conservative. (Is that redundant?) After all, one of his favorite movies is "The Adventures of Milo and Otis." stellbread0.tripod.com Email: stellbread@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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