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Nov. 15, 2005 [Background] Kansas votes to redefine science to allow Intelligent Design to be taught in science class in public school. Dover, Penn. - Every member of the school board [all Republican] that supported the introduction of Intelligent Design in science class was voted out and replaced by those that oppose this move. All new members, eight in all, are Democrats. In response, the reverend Pat Robertson had this to say:
*sigh* I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover,
uh, if there is a
disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just
rejected him from
your city, and don't wonder why he hasn't helped you
when problems
begin, if they begin...
[Here is the link, click on Listen, you will hear the above quote from the Holy Pat himself a few minutes in. In other words, the quote is not meant to be funny, he really said this] [And now, on to the press conference...] [Pat sits on his pedestal, his very high pedestal, in front of his podium - his very very high podium. He looks down at the room of reporters, then, takes a drink of water. As he does this, he presses a secret button that engages his smile-lock implant. His jaw muscles clench a bit, but he mentally sacrifices this pain to God] Reporter1: Prophet Pat, you say that Dover kicked God out of their city, but with respect your Holiness, all of the new school board members are Christians. Do you have a comment? Pat: They have kicked God out of public school, it's just that simple. Reporter1: With respect your Holiness, you didn't... Pat: Ma'am, ma'am! Do you have flood insurance? Reporter1: Uhm, what? I mean, pardon sir? Pat: Do you have flood insurance? Reporter1: Well, actually, uh, no we just... Pat: I think you should get some *wink*. Yes, you, over there, reporter2! Reporter2: Your Holiness, your powers are grand indeed... Pat: *chuckles* Yes I know, thank you, thank you... Reporter2: Tell us please, sir, how do you speak with God? Not only have you prayed away a hurricane, but God also told you that Bush would be elected. Pat: Thanks for asking. I'm just a humble servant of our heavenly Father. I'm blessed that our Lord has chosen me as his speaker. God doesn't speak to me directly, in voices - rather, I have a special room that I enter and go into a kind of daze. I then ask my questions and God answers in a series of flashes as my eyes water and I kind of shake my head from side to side. Reporter2: Sir, uhm, you make it sound like you look into some kind of crystal ball... Pat: Crystal ball? Don't use that pagan $%$# with me! My apologies. Jesus, forgive my anger... Reporter2: It's OK, sir, no problem, no offense taken. Besides, you weren't angry – your smile never faded... Pat: Never mind about that. Does your home meet earthquake codes? Reporter2: Excuse me sir, my, my, my...home? Pat: Yes, has your home been reinforced with modern earthquake standards, worked out by our atheist scientists? Reporter2: *swallows nervously*, I'm not sure sir, but I will check that out and...let you know, thanks for your kind response... Pat: See that you do. Next! Reporter3: Your Holiness, I don't want to speak about a subject that you feel reticent to discuss, but you mentioned flashes... Pat: Yes, the good Lord speaks to me. I have a special room deep in one of my diamond mines, in Africa, ya see. The walls are covered with diamond – it's worth millions, anyway, I don't let them mine that particular area, ya see? Reporter3: I see... Pat: I have a few cocktails, I enter the room, I turn on some bright lights, and I ask the Lord questions. As my eyes water at the refractions – nature sure is pretty, isn't it? Isn't God grand? Reporter3: Yes sir. God is big and good. Pat: Yes he is. Anyway, as my eyes water, I start to shake my head from side to side and let my eyes glaze, you know, what I mean – have you ever tried to make your eyes go cross eyed? Reporter3: Cross eyed, sir? Pat: Yes, cross-eyed, you stupid worm! I mean, you fellow servant of the Almighty, again, my apologies Jesus. You've seen those 3D pictures? The ones that look like a bunch of squiggly patterns, but if you look at 'em long enough, they sort of pop out? Reporter3: Oh, yes sir, yes SIR! I know what you mean *relief* ! Pat: Good. Yeah, like that – I make my eyes go all loopy and shake my head and the reflections – the light bouncing off of my, er, God's, diamonds, gives me answers in the form of actual English words. I call it “texting with Jesus” - he texts and I pray. Next. Reporter4: Your holiness, you imply that Dover will feel the wrath of God – are there any areas that you feel are safe - any places spared by God's righteous anger in these times of, what seems like, one disaster after another? Pat: Yes! When I was last texting with Jesus, he very clearly said that Kansas was under his direct protection. That's all the time I have, my personal jet is waiting, God bless! ------------ About the author Frederick Smith: I enjoy writing about the positive virtues of humanism - humanists are the good guys. This is my second foray into the UK writing discordia. This time around, I want to be a tad more raw - maybe a bit edgier (does that sound "art-see"?) Maybe I'll address even more issues that most Americans consider taboo... About my personal background and life: I was born, I got some education, worked, ate, and had some kids. It seems I like to write – something that was unknown to me until relatively recently...How's that for detail? ;) Like so many these days, I too have a blog! But, I haven't updated it since the day after I signed up for it, so I won't bother to give out the link. Hate mail is welcome unless you are from the Army Of God. Please! It's not that I mind seeing pictures of aborted fetuses in my inbox, but once you've seen one you've pretty much seen them all... Email: dahlek65@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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