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Nov. 17, 2004 Perhaps due to the divisive presidential election of two weeks ago, President George W. Bush said he intends to bring the nation together and heal our national differences. Sadly, this is seen by many conservatives as appeasing the left and selling out the very ideological ideas that propelled him to office. Case in point -- on Wednesday, in a fancy Rose Garden ceremony with plenty of staff on hand to applaud on cue, President Bush gave America the bird. Two birds, actually. Amid the bright lights of television cameras and microphones, the President pardoned two turkeys named “Biscuits” and “Gravy” from death row. Justice Department officials offered no information on why these turkeys had been sentenced to death in the first place, though some observers -- who asked to be unnamed -- believe the charges were trumped up through the overzealous Patriot Act and were linked, like all crimes these days, to the War on Terror. After all, turkeys are armed with dangerously sharp beaks and claws, making them little more than feathered terrorists who are a flight risk. And, let’s be frank. “Biscuits” and “Gravy” sound more like aliases than the names of individuals you want living in your neighborhood. Legal experts said that the pardons effectively remove any traces of wrongdoing related to the crimes in question. In short, the pardons are like a judicial “do-over.” It’s as if the crimes never happened, meaning the turkeys are now free to vote and buy firearms. Felons aren’t allowed to buy firearms, of course, but a first-time offender who was pardoned by the president certainly can. Between you and me, I don’t think turkeys should be allowed to buy guns. Sure, a few probably buy them legally but most get them illegally in the shadows of America’s alleyways and vacant industrial parks. No turkey is trustworthy and many of them are downright wild. Turkeys choose to not use English as their primary language and believe in having families out of wedlock. Few hold steady jobs -- perhaps a reflection of their poor academic histories, if they went to school at all -- making them all the more likely to return to the cycle of despair and criminal behavior that got them locked up in the first place. Also, by strutting about in their birthday suits, seemingly oblivious to the moral sensibilities of our communities, turkeys make exceptionally poor role models for today’s children. Some people have a soft place in their hearts for turkeys. Benjamin Franklin, for example, wanted the turkey -- not the eagle -- to be our national bird. In an age when we were fighting a British army that outmanned us, outgunned us and had far brighter clothing than we did, naming a wild unemployed turkey as our mascot probably struck a positive note with hardscrabble colonial America. However, as historians point out, Franklin was also a notorious opium user. His flying a kite in a lightning storm probably wasn’t as much a science experiment as it was a colonial version of Laser Pink Floyd. With President Bush’s claims of making morality a national priority, what message does he send by pardoning known felons who parade around in their altogether, skip school, delight in their joblessness and are a burden on society? With such hypocrisy, it is no wonder that members of the President’s Cabinet have been elbowing each other out of the way in a race to tender their resignations. Who can blame them? America deserves better than to have armed turkeys terrorizing our streets. As I see it, turkeys should stay behind bars for society’s sake -- particularly when they never bathe and occasionally fling mud at their opponents. When our nation’s judicial system is upended and hundreds of years of legal precedent are tossed out over dangerous beak-wielding felons, something is horribly wrong. Call me old-fashioned but I believe that if God didn’t want turkeys locked up, He wouldn’t have given them cages. Mr. President, I urge you to reconsider your pardon. A bird in the hand is worth two in a Bush White House ceremony. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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