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May 20, 2005 One day you will run into an old friend who was once promiscuous, but now refers to herself as a "born-again virgin (BAV)." Unlike her, you might be able to see the lunacy of the concept—unless she went back in time. Born-again virginity is an impossibility. In short, the phrase is nothing more than a euphemism for "retired whore," and is as oxymoronic and nonsensical as "Latino leprechaun." How did these women convince themselves that they could somehow erase their shameful pasts and "start over?" They claim to be saving themselves for "Mr. Right." Well, here’s a reality check for ya, sweetie: Once you’ve been crackin’, there’s no backtrackin’. A superficial phrase like "BAV" cannot erase the fact that you once got "tossed up" like a Frisbee. Just because you no longer want to face that reality doesn’t mean the rest of us have to follow suit. Stop lying to yourselves and the men who clamor for you. How do you think that man’s going to feel during the honeymoon when he serendipitously discovers the truth? Another thing that heats my soup—"dating" over the Internet. This is like buying a friendship ring for an inflatable doll. However, there are many websites that provide opportunities for lonely people to meet others who are also looking for Mr. Spacebar. How tragic and impersonal that for some romance has been reduced to wishful thinking and the click of a mouse. There are enough ways to be bamboozled without going onto the Internet and signing up for a new one. Whatever happened to visiting someone and talking face-to-face, or the handwritten letter? And beware: Lurking behind a computer screen hundreds of miles could be a married man, mad man, pervert or one of many other kooks, creeps and clods looking for an easy score. I’m tired of hearing about "The Runaway Bride." Apparently she didn’t run far enough. At a recent Oakland A’s game a fan threw a beer on Jason Giambi. A day later a fan ran out the field and was tackled by an A’s outfielder. A couple of years ago a chair throwing melee began when a fan became a little too exuberant. The year the Raiders LOST the Super Bowl, fans "celebrated" by rioting in the streets of downtown Oakland. Hopefully Oakland won’t win anything any time soon. They are too busy trying to live up to their "Thugtown U.S.A." reputation. Isn’t it time for the Ku Klux Klan to change their uniforms? The white-on-white motif is outdated and pretty lame. (Because of this they are known as "The Penn State of Racist Organizations"). Perhaps adding a stripe—or even numbers to the back of the uniform might help. God forbid they should add some color… I don’t know about you, but I’m fed up with "The Apprentice." It’s a show about someone who already had a good job, competing for one with a much greater salary. The catch is they get to work for the world’s most renowned megalomaniac. Get a life in the real world. Okay? When I worked at the steel mill I hated to see people bring in crappy lunches packed by inept, or just plain lazy spouses. You know, lunches filled with mustard and cheese sandwiches, Vienna sausages, rotten bananas, sardines, or Lunchables. Time for a serious sit down—with the spouse, or a good divorce attorney. California’s housing market is headed toward the stratosphere. This increase in tax revenues has yet to benefit county and state coffers. Imagine what will happen when the bubble bursts. I see mass exodus and housing prices in nearby states skyrocketing. I also see many sad days ahead. Hey here’s an idea—Let’s recall all of our elected officials! When did "free" stop meaning "without cost" and get changed to "Add $5.95 for Shipping and Handling"? Here’s a title that is well-earned: Tony Danza as "The man Least Deserving of Fame". Simply put, he is America’s most lovable schmo, American television’s version of the "weird" Uncle. He is the least talented show biz personality in the history of TV. Once I saw him dance and then try to rap and I almost threw up. Yes, we are losing our manners. Young people ignore the old, and no one under the age of 40 says, "Thank you" or refers to their elders as "Sir" or "Ma’am." People even pass gas audibly and don’t even say "Excuse me." They shrug as if by doing so it will magically and rapidly dissipate. If anyone knows Sylvester Stallone, please call him and tell him to can the idea of yet another "Rocky" movie. I’m starting to believe those "fake" bouts might not have been so fake after all, and Sly’s suffering from some real and serious brain damage. Republicans are still trying to convince anyone who will listen that the war in Iraq was a battle to "liberate" the Iraqi people. People espousing that viewpoint are full of more crap than Anna Nicole Smith’s guts on Thanksgiving. Finally, everyday for the past three months I have been greeted by a Pop-up ad that tells me I’ve "Won!" because I’m the 1 millionth visitor to their website. There should really be some teeth added to laws governing scams, false advertising and b.s. stories. ------------ About the author: Timothy Stelly is the 45-year old author of "Tempest In The Stone" and the upcoming, "The Malice of Cain". He resides in Pittsburg, California with his three youngest children Dante, Kimberly and Lawrence. I have a new website: stellbread0.tripod.com Email: stellbread@sbcglobal.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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