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May 18, 2005 Newsweek Magazine reported in its May 9 issue that when Jennifer Wilbanks was hiding out in a Las Vegas motel, she flushed a copy of the Gideon's Bible down the toilet. The report sparked mass riots in the Bible Belt that resulted in two broken fingernails and a stubbed toe. Jerry Falwell immediately issued a press release branding the publisher of Newsweek the anti-Christ and Pat Robertson proclaimed that the Almighty would strike anyone who failed to cancel his subscription to Newsweek with erectile function disorder. Newsweek issued a retraction and an apology when it was revealed that its sole anonymous source was Michael Jackson. The King of Weird issued a statement apologizing for misleading the American public, but "I was tired of that wild-eyed woman stealing the media spotlight from me." An intrepid reporter managed to sneak into the treatment center where Jennifer Wilbanks is being treated for Runaway Egotitis. After two minutes with Wilbanks he concluded that "this crazy broad can't tell a Gideon's Bible for an issue of the Penthouse Forum." At least when the National Enquirer reports that Elvis Presley was spotted at a Burger King in Memphis they rely on more than one anonymous source. ------------ About the author: Robert Paul Reyes is a columnist for the Lynchburg Ledger. Email: rreyes4966@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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