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May 12, 2005 Retirement seems so far away from today. I have about seven years to go. Will I have any money? I sure hope so. If not, the paramedics will have to carry me away from my desk in a body bag at the ripe old age of eighty-two. I really want to retire. There’s so many things I want to do, write three or four more books, swim the English Channel, and sire six more children. Actually, I have many things to learn before I retire. I need to learn how to play checkers, bingo, shuffleboard, and how to maneuver one of those three-wheel mopeds. I must learn how to wear a hearing aid. It’s quite an art. My dad can’t hear anything out of them. I’ve tried to tell him to put batteries in them, but he can’t hear me. It’s a dilemma to say the least. Just the other day, I motioned to him that it was time for supper and he flipped me off. I don’t get it. My mother’s in a nursing home and hates it. She is gravely disabled and is unable to move about. When I visit her, she tells me how much she hates it and that she would prefer death. I understand. Nursing homes are not nice places. No matter how much you try to sugarcoat the places, they are still lousy. In our hometown, we have a nursing home about three blocks down from a mortuary. That’s nice I guess, not as far to die (I meant drive). About three days ago, I went to visit my mom. It is always a sad experience. Most of the people I passed on the way to her room had a glazed look on their face, a look of hopelessness. That’s when I realized I had gone to the mortuary and not the nursing home. What a mess. Today I went to the hospital lab to pick up stool sample bottles. The lady at the desk, who gave me the little containers, told me not to mix the stool sample with my urine. I asked politely how to have a bowel movement without involving the other element that usually visits at the same time. She told me to poop on a paper plate. Now, I ask you, how in the heck can you do that? I tried it and peed on the floor. There’s something wrong here. I tried another approach. I tried to catch it on the fly, no can do.
Is there a nurse in the house?
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