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Mar. 22, 2005 President George W. Bush is touring the country to promote his plan to rescue Social Security via individualized gambling accounts. The original plan, privatized investment accounts, was dropped when studies showed that the average American has a better chance of making money gambling than by playing the stock market. Speaking in Peoria, IL Bush unveiled details of the plan. “If people bet their money on black and win,” he explained, “then do it again, and so on, everyone will be a millionaire and Social Security will be safe.” Under the Gamble With Your Future Act (GWYFA), called gweefa, the government would borrow trillions of dollars and use it to let younger workers bet online with their payroll deductions. Winnings would go directly into retirement accounts. The Treasury Department will soon be running television ads featuring an animated squirrel named Gweefa, who doesn’t have enough nuts stored up for the winter. Gweefa is shown playing Blackjack online and then opening her front door to a huge pile of nuts. A voiceover says, “Don’t go hungry in the winter. Gamble with your Social Security money before it’s too late.” Some critics have accused the White House of fearmongering to win GWYFA support, noting Social Security is solvent through 2042. Bush responded with predictions of doom, “When it comes to Social Security, we must find a life raft before we drown, get off the roof before we fall, and get the pillows off our faces before we suffocate.” The AARP is opposed to the plan, saying it only benefits Bush’s friends in the online gambling industry. Bush retorted, “Where the AARP’s argument falls apart is that they’re troop-hating homosexuals. Besides, old people will be dead before this even matters.” The folks behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth are trumpeting a similar message in a series of television ads titled “Support GWYFA or Burn in Hell with the AARP.” Online gambling sites insist they probably won’t profit from the plan. Steve Mendelson of gambleonlinedoit.com, who gave $250,000 to Bush’s campaign, says he could lose his shirt if all those people gamble and win. When this reporter suggested that he can’t possibly prefer fewer customers, Mr. Mendelson said he heard someone calling him. He then pantomimed walking down a flight of stairs and bolted out the door. The President dismissed pessimistic predictions that people would lose money instead of winning it. “Opponents of this program don’t trust Americans, but I do. Video poker, roulette, blackjack, or sports books. Let the people decide, not big government.” After watching the president, Peoria housewife Linda Lockey said she endorses the proposal, though she didn’t seem to understand it fully. “I went to Vegas once,” she recalled, “and had so many free drinks I threw up on the doorman and slept with an Elvis impersonator who thought I was a hooker and gave me $300. I came out ahead $85 even though I lost at the tables, so I’m all for the new policy.” White House spokespeople denied misrepresenting their proposal, and called Lockey a fine American. ------------ Email Bill Bernat: bbernat117@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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