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June 29, 2005 As this tragedy in Aruba continues to add day after day of pain to anyone who cares about this young lady it is natural for us to ask the question, "What went wrong here? Who is to blame for this?" The answers are multiple and passionately debatable.. Starting with the three boys who were the last to see her and ending up with the Aruban investigators who are maddening in their deliberate and seemingly inconsistent approach to solving this...we are having a field day arguing with each other as to what went wrong ane why things continue to go wrong. The truth is...everyone shares the responsibility in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. There is one small caveat here. That is, if there is no crime.If it turns out that Natalee ran away, died accidently or committed suicide, there is no crime here. Those three scenarios are extremely unlikely but possible. What I am about to write next is based on the information we have that there was a crime. Bear with me. As a father of a 20 year old daughter who asks me for financial support of certain trips across the country, I have a responsibility to know the details of her destinations since she wants my support in getting there. Technically, like Ms. Holloway, she is an adult so I cannot stop her from going if I don't like the circumstances. But, if I fund her and give her my blessing to go somewhere without any kind of mature supervision on that trip, I am relinquishing my responsibility as a parent and letting her put her life in the hands of the people SHE trusts. I have two choices here: I can say, "Go! Have a great time! Watch yourself. Don't drink too much. Don't get into cars with strangers!" Or, I can ACT beyond those words by finding out about the purpose of the trip, what kind of activities will go on with this trip, the potential specific dangers of the trip and what boundaries or limits will be there to protect my daughter on the trip. It is not wrong for a parent to let their child be an adult and still find out details about where she is going. If I am remiss in doing that, I may find myself doing what Natalee's parents are doing now. Searching for her. The Aruba trip was a yearly event for graduating seniors. But, as Jug Twitty said in an interview this past weekend, "I had no idea that Carlos and Charlie's was as sleazy as it was with drug dealers hanging out at the front door. My son went on this same trip three years ago and he had a safe time..." But, you could see Mr. Twitty processing all this in his mind as he was speaking as though he were asking himself, "Would I let either my son or Natalee hang out there NOW?' The obvious and tragic answer is no. But, hindsight is always 20-20. Even though the community of Mountain Brook is publicly saying the chaperones are not to blame, I can assure you there will be more than SEVEN on the next senior trip and there will be bed checks, places in Aruba that are off limits and kids sent home if they get out of line. IF...there will ever be an Aruba trip again. For what fun for a teenager is it if they go to a paradise island to party and drink and they are being watched constantly? So, I do believe, since there will be changes in policy for upcoming Mountain Brook trips, that is an admission of responsibility that was not taken to its proper extent when Natalee and her friends left in the days after their graduation. The responsibility that Natalee had to herself was two-fold. Make your own wise decisions or someone ELSE will make them for you and choose your friends carefully. By all accounts, she had just met Joran Van der Sloot four hours before she disappeared and had never met his two friends when she got into the car with them. I don't think it is a terrible judgment on Natalee to say that this was not a proper amount of time to trust them to the point where she was going to ride around at 1:00 a.m. with these guys. At the very least, she should have asked some of her friends to join her in this last night of party fun. Why didn't she? We may never know the answer to that. I don't want to speculate. But, she did not do so. It doesn't matter how she was dressed, by the way. She could have been wearing a mini-skirt and a tank top or a parka; if the boys were going to inflict evil upon her, it would not have mattered. The die was cast. She was their target. If the boys were noble and took her sightseeing and dropped her off like they claim, then someone else was less than noble. Until we have proof of that, however; we have to look at Joran Van der Sloot, since by all accounts, he was the last one to see Natalee alive. So, Natalee has to take some responsibility here, too. If she showed up today and was asked the question, "What would you have done differently that night? Her answer would have been, "A LOT!" If she was being honest. We now move on to the BULK of the responsibilty for this tragedy. Joran and the Kalpoe brothers. Somewhere in their stories the truth of what happened to Natalee Holloway reveals their violation of her. Who did what and how? At this point we do not know. But, had these three boys been gentlemen then all the mistakes made by the previous people mentioned would have been innocuous and no harm would have come from them. Here is the point, unless someone takes ADVANTAGE of bad choices, that decision is usually looked back upon and remembered with humor or a shake of the head in its retelling. If you drive home drunk and don't hit anyone, you may brag about it later. But, if you have an accident and it is because you are drunk, the consequences are far more lethal. Drunk driving is always bad, the results are not. Being lax in letting 130 students go to party their hearts out in Aruba is not bad unless something bad happens. Then, everyone has to go back and re-evaluate the decisions that led up to this. When a writer, such as Robert Paul Reyes, whom I do not know personally, points out this fact and is criticized for it, is beyond me. Do people really BELIEVE that the first mistake here was when Joran Van der Sloot did something bad to Natalee Holloway? Not true. The decisions and circumstances that brought Natalee to that beach alone with that guy were just as important once tragedy occurred and there is nothing wrong with someone saying that. The baby steps of bad decision-making have always contributed to final steps of horror. Just ask the bonfire folks at Texas A&M or the architect of the Titanic. Or the maker of the O rings for the Challenger space shuttle. A tragedy has a beginning, a middle and an end. We know the first two components, we just don't know the ending yet. We all hope a daughter can be reunited safely with her parents, family and friends. We even hope that the three boys are innocent and their families can heal, too. But, if that does not happen, there is responsibility all around here. It just may not be the right time to point it out. Because the wounds are open and we are all hurting... ------------ About the author: Pat Hurley has spoken to over six million high school and middle school students in 47 states. He has had six books published for young people and their leaders and has produced 45 educational videos in schools on topics such as self-respect for teenagers, making good choices, peer pressure, academic excellence and realizing potential. 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