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June 11, 2005 This is not a story about farting by per se, no sir-Ree, it is a story about almost farting and dying—if you were a drunk you know what I’m talking about. I was a drunk for twenty-two years (22-years ago), and I had some fart problems when I stopped drinking. Now if you’ve drank before, and I personnel know 70% folks in the United States do drink, and while in Germany, 98.6% of them drink. And while in Iceland, 99% of them drink and while in Alaska, the Arctic region, and I flew with a mail carrier delivering mail, thus, the carrier, he sold whiskey when I wasn’t looking to the inhabitants—yes they also like their drinking. Anyways, I’m not here to get in trouble, but in the deep Arctic 99.6 % drink, drink and drink until they stink. They wanted me to stay and work for them in a new facility they were building for their drunks, back in ’96, because they were going to open up the area for legal drinking…yaw you get the picture, legal, legal, legal…rehab…rehab…lots of farting is going to start. Now you may think this a bit to the left my friend, but I’m telling the audience the full truth of the matter, baby you are getting it full steam…the bare truth of the matter. But what I was about to say was, I was a counselor, and sitting out on this nice sunny day in July in Wisconsin having a group therapy session, there was about nine people involved. And here was this guy and his wife, prim and proper looking, nicely dressed, youthful. The wife came down to be with him on this occasion, not sure why, or what the occasion was, other than a session in the sun, but I let her join the group nonetheless, after asking the group permission, you know, because their going to reveal some stupid private information—us ex drunks think no one in the world knows a damn thing about our behavior, when it’s plastered all over kingdom-come. Yes, the butcher knows and so does the baker, and the electric company knows because you didn’t pay the bills; because it is all about you, right? right. Now comes the big F, for ‘fart,’ hold on; in this story F does not sand for what is going on through your mind, oh no, when you’re a professional drunk like I was and my friends, or clients, take your pick, you don’t need the …uck part of the word, but you get the F part, and that is FARTING. I really got to get on to the premise of this thing, the plot is already set…see, we are sitting in this humble circle telling one another what everyone in town already knows, and what we had forgot, until now—blackout you know. And this couple, call them Tom and Jerry [Mr. and Mrs. Anonymous--so I don’t get sued], Jerry being the wife. Now they are sitting together with the rest of us thinking, yes just thinking, about what the other person is thinking, or trying to figure out what they are thinking, or going to say, or what we should say. You want to know what they are thinking…I’ll tell you, “I don’t know if I should say this, their all watching me, I’ll be in the spot light…” that kind of gobbolegook. Who really gives hoot; we think everyone does, but no one does. Number one you have been seeking the spot light for twenty-years, now you’re humble. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s a recovering farty person’s dilemma. Now let’s get on to the mystery. As I was about to say a few paragraphs back, we are sitting there on this humble sunny July day, in Wisconsin, up on this hill in a free standing in and out care facility, I think the year is l989. I’m the hot shot counselor. Hello—are you listening……………………………………..I ask the folks and it started the farting…… FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFf…it started and didn’t stop; it grew like a rocket going to Mars, no kidding; yes Tom started a little fart it got louder, everyone now is looking at one another in the circle, you got it, we’re all looking at Tom☺ for the moment we are smiling, trying to smile. But this, my friend is the longest fart in all of human history. We couldn’t talk, and the air pushing it all away around us, then out to space, thanks goodness. And we looked, and we looked and we looked, now the laughing was being held back, and Tom smiled ☻and smiled ☻ and smiled ☻…and the farting never stopped. It must have went on for five minutes, I know that is a whole lot of seconds something like…fffffffffffffffff♪♫♪♫♪♫F F F F F FFFF FFF ffffff ♫♪☻☺♫Ω that; yes my friend something like that, it had rhythm to it, a beat one might say and we all smiled. Now why did we smile? Think about it. Here we had the record, the Gunnies Book record for the longest fart in history. He farted so much he couldn’t even get up to go wipe himself. I actually felt sorry for him, but I couldn’t stop laughing to show how sorry I was feeling. You might be saying: you can identify with this, and your girlfriend is sitting by you and damn if she peaks over at what I’m reading…cover the story up quick, tell her you’ll read this later, she will not know what your reading, and if she catches you she’ll say, “You mean you enjoy reading about some drunk farting…” she will not get the enjoyment out of this. The poor man and his wife sat there…you got it, ☻☻ with that stupid smile. But what could they do. Tom shook his shoulders, he was young and figured after 4. 5 minutes, I’ve lived through the hard part. I thought 15-seconds was long before this happened. ------------ About the author: Mr. Siluk is a world traveler, a lover of the mysteries around the world, and has visit many World Heritage Sites, his most recent being Easter Island, the Galapagos and Mesa Verde. His books can be seen on/at Barns and Noble.com, Amazon.com, Wal-Mart, Abe.com Alibis, Boarders and several other sites and book stores. Many of his books can be purchased through the English Bookdealers. He spends his time between Lima, Peru and St. Paul, Minnesota, and has just finished working on two new books: "The Macabre Poems,” and “Perhaps it’s Love,” and continues to work on "Curse of the Abyss Worm,” a suspenseful mystery, and “Cold Kindness,” a tragic love affair. Visit http://dennissiluk.tripod.com Email: dlsiluk@msn.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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