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July 31, 2005 Taint Matthew once said, “If ye be of sound mind, write not on useless knowledge.” This revelation was revealed to me in the middle of a bath. I was about to wash my hair with Selsun Blue when some of the shampoo fell onto the bathtub base. Curiously, it fell into the form of John the Baptist, which led me to E-Bay. The last bid for this foamy replica of the good John was 25 cents, but I had to refund the bidder his money when the shampoo was accidentally washed away when my wife cleaned the tub. Somehow, this entire event brought me closer to my maker, Kellogg. Yes, I was born in a cereal box. Strange huh? Me blessed mother added milk and sugar, and lo and behold, the Son of Kellogg was born. Three shepherds came to our house that very day bearing gifts from Ace Hardware, one of which was a handy can opener. Another spiritual event happened to me this week. I found a three-dollar bill lying along the curb in front of our house. When I picked it up, I noticed a likeness to Mother Mary on the front of it. Blessings come in so many ways. The three-dollar bill began to speak to me and I’ll be damned if it didn’t start burning and the wind blew it into a bush. Now, the burning bush was talking to me. I wish I hadn’t taken that last Tom Cruise Ritalin pill. It always makes me hyper and unable to concentrate. Man, I need a cigarette. It was one crazy day yesterday. I kept my biyearly doctor’s appointment and the doctor gave me a very thorough physical examination. What did he find? While doing a rectal examination, he found six lost chapters of the Bible. He cleaned them off so I could present them to the Museum of Religious History. An interpreter at the museum told me that according to these chapters the real God was Jabba the Hut. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I feel so differently about Kellogg now. The wind has been shot from my sails. My dreams are getting crazier and crazier nowadays. Last night I fell asleep and dreamed that I swallowed a gigantic marshmallow. When I awoke, my pillow was missing (drum roll please). After I discovered my pillow was missing, I went downstairs for a cup of strong coffee…a knock came at the door. I opened the door, there before me stood two good-looking missionary chicks. One of them, blonde chick, asked, “Sir, have you been born again?” I said, “No, I don’t see a need for it. I did it right the first time (another drum roll please).
If this entire article seems nonsensical to you it’s because it is. After all, this place is called Useless-Knowledge and how much more useless can you get?
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