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July 20, 2005 So I open the door. The first thing I noticed is that the television was on. I knew when I left it was off so I kept silent. I slowly headed towards the kitchen, as I heard some noises in that room. I reached for the bat I always kept behind the couch but it wasn't there. I was as quiet as a mouse as I approached the kitchen. I saw a strange woman and a man sitting there. The thoughts going through my mind at first was my children were kidnapped but then I remembered I had no children. The second thing that ran through me giving my spine a chill was my wife. My lord is she ok; do they have her tied up? Are they torturing her? I then remembered I wasn't married. I had only one chance to see what the heck was going on here. I busted into the room, held up my fists and yelled "Ok, who are you and what the hell are you doing in my home?" The woman was startled and screamed. The man stood up and said "No my good man the question is what are you doing in my home?" All I could do at that moment was to say "I asked you first." I thought for a second and knew I wasn't going nuts here so I lowered my fists and walked out to see if indeed I was in the wrong house but as I suspected I was not. I ran back into the house and the two fled out the back door. I never called the police because the way I figured it, they would just think I was crazy. I locked the house up and headed down to Goomba's bar for a few drinks. Tony was there and I told him my story. He told me I should have killed the both of them and through then out into the street. I knew that was over the edge but that was Tony. As Tony and I talked some more about what I should have done in walks in Harry. "Hey boys" Harry said. I bought him a drink and told him my tale. Harry laughed and said "Yep that is the oldest scam in the book." He told me that the perpetrators probably heard me come in and thought of that old trick on the cuff. He also told me that they were probably watching me go out and went back inside to finished what ever it was they were doing in their in the first place. We discussed this over a few more drinks and by now were smashed. Rocco walked into the bar and we told him the whole story. He suggested that we head over to my place and make sure everything was ok and since he was still able to see, walk and stand he drove. We arrived at my house and we went inside. All was secure. We sat in the kitchen and drank some beer and just talked about how we all were doing. Then I heard the front door open. I told everyone to be quiet and we would have these punks right where we wanted them. Just then a man jumped into the kitchen with his hands clenched into fists. He yelled out "What the heck are you doping in my home" Although we were all very intoxicated we still were able to think on our feet. I looked around and noticed that it really didn't look like my home at all so I simply said "Your home this is my home." When the man ran out to see if it indeed was his address we all ran out the back door. This is just one of the kinds of things that happen to me all the time. My life truly is a sitcom or at the least a comedy of errors. It beats the time I watched my friends get married and had rice all over me when about five pigeons landed on my head and pecked me clean. It also beats the time my friend Jerry lent me his touch and told me not to touch any of the buttons. Now I don't know about any of you but when someone tells me not to touch something it makes it all the more touchily appealing. I drove it to the store and touched only one button at first. The front of the truck went down. I think it was supposed to do this. I pushed another and another. Each button made a different tire do a different thing. I was making that truck dance. People were clapping and I felt so cool. I was doing tricks with that truck that were amazing. Then when the sparks came blasting out of the rear the whole town was cheering as if it was a perfect grand finally to the perfect show. I guess they didn't know the axel broke in half and the tires fell off in the back of the truck. That was a six thousand dollar experience I will never forget not to mention that I have a phobia when it comes to buttons. I can't even button my shirt without shaking. Why am I telling you all this? I figured if I can laugh at other peoples expense then it is only fair that I return the favor. I wrote a few books. My latest is "Growing up Goomba- Number one with a Bullet" Many ask me what a Goomba is. I simply tell then this. A Goomba is a person, not necessarily Italian but a person that is a good friend or someone that has your back no matter what. My book is about the inner workings of the mob. It is a comedy and I had many great reviews. I now am working on the sequel. "Goomba Too-Son of Goomba" This unlike the first one is the story of Vito Goomba and his son Michael. I am not telling you for a shameless plug but I will say this. I have written many articles for this website. I haven't been around for a while now and this is the reason. I have been busy promoting my book and writing the new one which by the war are only found on the net. I also am working on a sitcom as well. The Title "Growing up Goomba" sounds like a television show with a similar name. I have had this title for ten years now but I will let the other family use it until that ship sails. It's all good. Thanks to all of you that took the time out from there busy lives to read this. Now buy my book or else I will hit you in my face with your fist. If I brought one smile to someone out there then it was all worth it. ------------ About the author: Bob D Caterino is a writer that we all either hate or love. His work can be found at http://www.ebookmall.com/ebook/163906-ebook.htm. My website: www.geocities.com/bdcaterino He hopes the death threats will stop. Its only words he uses. Laugh and lighten up will ya? Email: bobdcaterino56@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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