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July 7, 2005 Last year, my lovely fiancé treated us to a restful vacation at a lovely resort in Cabo San Lucas. We went into town one day, did some shopping, ate at a local restaurant several blocks off the main streets in a gutsy act of digestive daring, and rented one of the small motorboats to putter out to the end of the Baja peninsula. I forget the name of the rocks there, something about two lovers that separate at low tide. But most of the time we spent lounging by the resort’s pool, or on the beach, trying to stay three cocktails ahead of dehydration. As I remember those lazy days, and while I read today’s "Nuggets" from His Majesty, Frederick ‘the Great’ Smith (do your Mother and friends really call you Frederick? Does anybody? You don’t mind if I call you Freddy?), it occurs to me that I might feel the same peace of mind and carefree bliss of that tropical resort at a much lower price right here at home – I could become a Liberal! That’s how Liberals seem to me – like sun-baked, tequila-drenched tourists, lolling about a pool talking about the Good Life that could exist if only the Republicans would go away – and if "the cocktail waiter would get his sleek, tanned backside over here with our drinks." Liberals always claim to have all the answers. Conservatives always claim to know all the questions – and fear the probable answer. It gets old being fearful all the time, so I’m thinking of taking a long, four-day "Liberal" weekend. Maybe I’ll make my children call me "Ronald", or better yet, "Reynaldo", that kinda sounds European and will match the Instant Tanning lotion I’ll be applying Liberally. As a Liberal, I’d know it was just a matter of time before the Majority of Americans that do not agree with me now, change their minds. Gosh, that must be a swell feeling! I know they it will only take us Liberals repeating our tired, old arguments over, and over, and over, and over, to make those stupid Americans change their minds. "Oops, we lost the election again, no problem, another one’s around the corner." Dang, it’ll be so easy! I can spew rote on tequila just as well as Ted Kennedy does on gin; this Liberal vacation will be a walk in the park. And just think, I won’t have to worry about an airliner crashing into my cubicle at the office. Once Americans come to their senses and let our 15% Liberal majority rule, Kerry or Gore "can handle the situation (Iraq) better," as Freddy claims. They’ll "use international goodwill to achieve positive results" and all those crazed, murderous Islamic terrorists will be overcome with remorse and feelings of goodwill towards us – heck, we might even be raised to the status of dog poop in their eyes instead of pig poop as we are now (or even, do I dare hope, camel!!). No longer a Conservative, I won’t be tempted to ask, "how exactly will he ‘handle’ the situation, Freddy?" or, "what ‘positive results’ do you mean?" or, "could you get this Terrorist’s boot off my neck?" I will just laze in the bright sun of perpetual omnipotence, secure in the knowledge that 85% of Americans are stupider than I – and that their taxes are paying for this pina colada and the stud muffin massaging my shoulders. My only concern with this Liberal vacation concept is the possible future ramifications. No, I’m not talking about loss of sphincter control, that masseuse would never have gotten beneath my towel, Liberal or not. I’m concerned with the terrible shock to my psyche when I return to Reality, USA from my Liberal vacation. One day, the world is my oyster and tequila my Roumalade sauce, the next day I’m again looking over the top of my cubicle searching the sky for jet exhaust streams. Reality will appear from my paycheck stub - taunting me with the large number that used to be my earnings before guffawing at the Net Amount after Taxes. Reality will sneer in my face as I hand my hard-earned, net-after-taxes cash to the auto mechanic, restaurant owners, yardman, painter, AC repairman, flea market operator, and dozens of other cash businesses, only to see it disappear into their Undeclared Income pockets – dang, being an employee seems so foolish. If only I’d married a Heinz. Reality jumps from my newspaper, telling me of the sorry state of our education system. Cost per pupil in Texas has doubled since 1990 but results are the same – less than acceptable. Yet, Liberals accept it by asking for even more funding. Reality is my school taxes. Reality is the uneducated product of these bloated diploma mills, standing around the street corners, clueless how to survive in this dog-eat-dog economy – yet swollen with pride and ego built by an education system designed to instill "high self esteem" rather than knowledge. They won’t take a job unless it befits their self-imposed status. They pay no taxes. Reality spits in my aging face from the TV, radio, and magazines of the Liberal Mass Media. In my generation, we’ve seen life expectancy soar but career expectancy plummet from a perception of incompetence in our older citizens. The Media has created this perception as they milk their advertisers for every penny. Advertising, with the exception of those ads targeting their demographic, rarely influences older, wiser consumers. Advertisers know this and target, instead, the young and naïve. Thus, 90% of TV programming appeals to the young and/or naïve – most of it celebrating the Wonderfulness of Youth. The result is hidden denigration of our elders. Over 40? If you’re not safely ensconced in your own business or profession, you have about 10 years to do so before you are completely unemployable at any wage above what you earned 30 years ago. "But I have to support myself for probably at least 30 more years," you say. Don’t bother speaking, at 50 you’re Dead Man Walking in the eyes of the Liberal Media, and therefore, the glazed eyes of their hypnotized readers/viewers. "Ignore him and he’ll go away," they say. Reality is chained to a tree, protecting me from the world’s loss of a spotted owl, or frog, or whatever. How noble you seem, but why are there drilling rigs all over Texas, and off our coast – have been for decades? I’m all for the good fight, but must we be so selective? Why are a few square miles, in a vast area of Alaskan tundra larger than some states, more important than my backyard? Listen to the outcry when anyone tries to drill off the Liberal East or West Coast. And why do we worry about pollution at all? At the rate manufacturing, petrochemical, and technology is fleeing America’s labor unions for low-cost labor overseas, we’ll be out of smokestacks within a couple of decades any way. Might as well get a last bit of ROI out of those investments before they rust over. My Reality say Liberal tree huggers are a waste of time, just extorters looking for the next photo-op, and will turn America into the new Chad – a country of pristine natural beauty. But unlike Chad’s panoramic desert scenes barren of water, America will be a lush paradise barren of jobs. Won’t that spotted owl look tasty to the starving unemployed. Reality is frightening. There is Evil in the world, in abundance. No amount of "international goodwill" will dissuade Evil. Just try to host a little evening Kum-ba-ya (sp.?) session around the campfire with a group of your typical neighborhood Cannibals, we’ll be calling you "Smore", then "Leftovers," before dawn. Cannibals can distinguish the meaty part of your thigh from "international goodwill," but not much else. Can my psyche handle that sudden rush of Reality, especially the reality of Evil, after I return from my Liberal vacation? I don’t think so; it can’t even handle the Reality of Freddy. ------------ About the author: Ron Lewis is a software salesman extraordinaire, albeit habitually unemployed, with no significant accomplishments at age 47 other than two wonderfully talented children who take after their mother. All his friends note his keen insight, bad eyesight, doggedly jaded disposition, and rugged bad looks. A third person seems to recall that he talks too much. Email: grnacres@direcway.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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