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July 3, 2005 I have decided to go back to school this fall. I’ve always wanted to improve my technical skills and this is great opportunity for me. I’ve decided to start out slow, just taking one class. I have enrolled for a Master’s Level degree and my first class is “Assembling A Computer Desk.” I just bought my book, a fifteen-page manual entitled, “Easy Assembly Instructions For Your New Corner Hutch.” I sifted through the manual and it indeed appeared quite technical. The more I looked at it, the more apprehensive I became. So, being the curious sort of fellow that I am, I thought I’d give it a go. I asked several neighbors to help me lift the laboratory equipment out of my truck. Between the five of us, we managed to lift the 100-pound box, bulky as it was. We maneuvered the steps of our old Victorian home and finally got it into my computer room. I thanked my friends with a beer for each. They were happy and I was nervous. I unwrapped this monstrosity of a desk and there they were, slabs of compressed wood, holes drilled precisely in each one, 5,000 screws, several pieces of metal with wheels, and of course my brand new manual. Each board had a letter from the Alphabet on it. I was quite impressed until I found a few boards with no letters on them. I scratched my head, my heart began to pound, and felt like I had to pee. I started at page one, which described each piece of metal, each screw, and the sizes of each. Page one also told me what tools I would need, a Phillips head, a flat head, a hammer, a pair of pliers, and a partridge in a pear tree. I went to page two and began to follow the directions. It started out famously. I had all the cam screws in place, the number 4 screws, and the long number six screws. I began working on the number sixteen mount screws and the metal rolling tracks for the keyboard carrier. So far, so good, right? Now came the defining moment, assembly. My heartbeat quickened, my mouth became dry, and I start an early Pavlov sort of salivation. I started the assembly process and immediately realized that this task would need a second pair of hands and a second brain. My wonderful wife came to the rescue. She started me on a deep-breathing exercise and made me sit down while she assembled the rest of this project. I was so proud of her. My heart sang with glee at the finished project.
I have since decided that maybe I don’t want to take the Master’s level class. I just don’t think I am ready for it. It took several Nitroglycerin tablets, one nerve pill, and two aspirins to finish a mediocre-looking desk. Total time of project was 9 hours and 17 minutes. Injuries included one sore thumb, one aching back, and a broken male ego. I can’t wait until Christmas. I’ve asked for a picnic table.
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