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Jan. 26, 2005 (The author, under various pseudonyms, has internationally published over one-hundred books). A tabloid reporter is on the phone. Certainly, I didn’t expect it. Of what possible interest can my children's book, DOG ON A SURFBOARD, be to this guy’s readers who are only fascinated by the likes of — “Dairy Cow Fathers ET’s Baby”? “There’s a tsunami in Chapter One of your book, right?” says this guy as if he has just found a diamond in dog poop. “Which was caused by marine earth movement off the east coast of Japan,” I remind. “Which just really happened in real-time, didn’t it?” “But which didn’t cause the recent tsunami,” I remind. “That was from a violent shift of the seabed in the Indian Ocean.” “Not the first time you’ve done it, though, is it?” he says. “Done what?” “Foretold the future in one of your books.” “I didn’t foretell the recent tsunami. Earthquakes occur, somewhere, every day.” “How about THE DA VINCI BOMB? Written by you in 1971, right? What’s today’s top best-seller? THE DA VINCI CODE, right?” “THE DA VINCI BOMB was actually published as THE SIXTY-NINERS. Nothing to do with Jesus and/or Mary. To do with the plans for an anti-matter bomb drawn up by Da Vinci beneath the frescoes Michelangelo painted on the Sistine ceiling.” “How about Hale-Bopp?” he asks. “What about it?” “You wrote RIDERS OF THE DRAGON in 1981, right? Comet in the sky. Cult members out to meet their maker. Mass suicides. After which it all happened in real-life. Deny it.” “Look,” I say. “It’s the old bit about putting a monkey in a room with a typewriter; leave him there long enough and he’ll eventually type out the complete works of Shakespeare. I’ve written over a hundred books. The odds are pretty good that somewhere, in at least one of them, there’s going to be a coincidence with current events.” “You had a monkey in DOG ON A SURFBOARD, right?” My mouth agape, I have trouble getting it shut. “I mean,” he continues. “A monkey … a typewriter ….” I haven’t a clue what he’s saying. “Maybe you should think bat and belfry,” I tell him. “You admit, don’t you, that you’re ‘into’ the occult?” “Where do you get this stuff?” “Did you not write YOUNG MASTER (1970), DEMON’S STALK (1970); DEMON’S CORONATION (1970), VALLEY OF THE DAMNED (1971), TOO BEAUTIFUL (1972), DOG- COLLAR BOYS (1972) …?” “Having written a few horror-genre books doesn’t mean I’m into the occult. I’ve written fourteen sci-fi novels, to date, without having ever been into outer space.” “I’d be reluctant to admit an occult connection, too, if I’d just written a children’s book.” “Would you? Even though Madonna was into so many different things before SHE wrote HER children’s book?” “Someone told me you saw the tsunami in a dream.” “That someone is full of you-know what.” “How about the extraterrestrial implications of your THE BRENTRIDGE GOLD? Are you denying those?” “I just wanted to write a different kind of western.” “You certainly did that all right, to the point where you’ve convinced a lot of people you have an insider’s knowledge of past, present, and future encounters of the third kind.” “That’s ridiculous!” I hang up on him. I’m not returning any of his calls. Although, admittedly, I am tempted to relate to him the one recurring — and frightening — vision I HAVE been experiencing lately. In it, I’m in the check-out line of my local supermarket. I glance over to the magazine rack and see a headline in this guy’s rag, that reads — AUTHOR'S MONKEY, WITH TYPEWRITER, PREDICTED TSUMANI. ------------ About the author William J. Lambert III: Take a look at his books: Email: the.lambert.iii.laager@worldnet.att.net Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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