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Jan. 26, 2005 A final foray into some rhetorical verse I posed at Christmastime in 2000 should impress the fact that I *really do* have many fundamental questions about life, history, society and the world in general. I say these inquests were "rhetorical" only in hindsight, because I never received any answers to important queries such as (and here I'll list, with NO offense intended toward military personnel, a few more enigmas [well, they're mysteries to *me*]): 1). Why does training for the Armed Forces only have a "boot" camp? Is shoemaking the only pliable trade taught? What about furniture camp? Or automobile camp? Or even tennis shoe camp? I mean, there HAS to be more to life than learning about boots. 2). What would Green Berets do if they were issued ten-gallon hats? And what is the ACTUAL fluid capacity of these hats (I estimate that a five-gallon bucket could cover the head of a baby hippo. I *do* have a suspicion here - cowboys wanted to ensure the pretense that they had large brains [or at least fat heads]). 3). Do Navy SEALS learn to balance a ball on their nose? Catch a fish in their mouth? Refine their barking techniques? 4). And finally, from the oft-repeated painful experience of bumping my elbow: Why is it called a "funny" bone? Perhaps I'll never know, but I'll ask anyway. From December of 2000........ ******************* "And now a word from our sponsor..." Or so the script might read But you'll find no advertising here We've yet to find the need Yet the way the price of postage Always seems to be rising I'd just assume that we all use E-mail Or, as I call the verb: "Modemizing" Alas, though, some have yet to grasp That form of electronic communication Even as the 21st century dawns next month (Despite last year's too-soon celebration) So this missive's still in hardcopy form Which makes it "Coppi"-righted But that doesn't mean it's error-free Any corrections are invited Don't worry though, since in 48 states No royalties are ordered Hawaii too, and that other island: With the straight eastern vertical border We ask for nothing in return, but If you share our last name please consider: "Telis", "Corna", "Perris", or "Horace" When naming your kids, or the cat's next litter "Gyros" and "Stethos" and "Micros" Are more names on which to resort But our favorite choice is "Kaleidas" Just call him by "Cal" for short Meanwhile, we'll ponder important questions And ask the great "what ifs" Do the 12 days of Christmas start on the 14th Or do they end on January 5th? And just what the heck does it mean to sing of "The Days of Auld Lang Syne"? Why not just say, "It's was nice meeting you" "And we did have a real swell time"? If that drummer kid stopped pahrumping Could you hear what I hear? If it snowed on the very first Christmas Did It come on a Midnight Clear? Should we take down all the Manger scenes; Leave Religion in neglect? Say that S. Claus is "weight-challenged," Just to be "politically correct"? If he were to fall off the rooftop Would he be replaced by a clone? Do aliens visit in high-MPG craft Or are Earthlings truly alone? Will a Space Odyssey in 2001 Find moss in Europa's ocean? Will discoveries show Jupiter's swirls to contain Significant amounts of hand lotion? Would a dip in the clouds of that planet Help your chapped skin to be smoothened? Is terrestrial ozone depletion a man-made effect, "Global Warming" based on data unproven? Are crop circles artwork of sleek UFO's Or just lawn mowers in use after dark? Is a silicon chip placed under the skin The much-dreaded 666 "mark"? Could "the establishment" try to convince us, And hope that we're none the wiser - That "O Come all ye Faithful" is actually A reference to Yellowstone's geyser? Since reindeer must pull heavy sleigh loads Will the SPCA say it's cruel? Will unions demand overtime payment For elves working all through the Yule? If Englanders say they live "'cross the pond" Then Lindbergh was surely befuddled If that's the expanse of the Atlantic Does the Loch Ness monster live in a puddle? Why do they say they have come to "wassail" When we all know it just means "to go caroling"? Would they have the sense to omit dimpled chad If they held a vote for the King? When driving a one-horse open sleigh Would you sit on the right or the left? In the U.S. why not let wealthy tycoons Pay off the national debt? Can you have a Merry Little Christmas Even if it doesn't turn White? We hope so - God knows it won't happen here Unless certain pigs take to flight. If they float in the sky on a maiden voyage Will they meet with some butterfly ballots? Hold court with the Red Queen after playing croquet With official flamingo-based mallets? Does the Bermuda Triangle suck down ships & planes Like the one flown by Amelia Earhart? If I tend to smell something fishy Does it mean something's rotten in Denmark? If the Titanic had not struck an iceberg Would it have helped to boost traveler's morale? Is the tooth fairy obliged to leave you some change After having a root canal? If silver bells shook in a forest When no living soul was around, Although they might still be symbolic Would they even make any sound? I hear robot dogs are much asked for this year But do they come with digital fleas? When Armstrong first ventured out on the Moon Did he find any lunar green cheese? A 'right' can't be made by joining 2 'wrongs' But do 2 consecutive lefts make a U-turn? If Frosty the Snowman went to the beach Would he melt or just get slightly sunburned? Since that little town of Bethlehem Lies in the Middle East, Will Christmas bring a Peace that lasts Till Mona Lisa pouts, at least? Otherwise we have nothing exciting to tell We really are quite boring people No trips to the jungles of wild Borneo Just to the place with a Cross on a steeple We wish to all many blessings In very abundant amounts But don't dare to take them to Palm Beach Lest you seek never-ending recounts ************************* A few updates: 1). "Weight-challenged" individuals now have a new option - Go to the aisle where they sell bathroom scales at Walmart. There are about 10 different brands/styles - mostly inaccurate. Pick out the one which says you way least. You've instantly "lost" 50 pounds from your last calibrated weighing. 2). Maybe Mona Lisa *really did* pout. In today's news, I see that a "forgotten workshop of Leonardo da Vinci" was found in Florence, Italy, including the room where probable model for the Mona Lisa, Lisa Gherardini, stayed. If Lisa G. was indeed moaning, I doubt she could have managed a smile. ------------ About the author: Michael J. Coppi is a freelance writer from Arcadia, California. Email: mjcoppi@cs.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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