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Jan. 19, 2005 It seems that Hollywood producers can’t get enough of bringing people who were once famous back from the dead. VH1 has certainly waive that interest by bringing 3 shows that make you think you were at the circus. The first show is called Celebrity Fit Club. Celebrity Fit Club has washed up fat celebrities who can’t seem to put the fork down and show respect to themselves. The celebrities on the show are Daniel Baldwin, you know, the washed up Baldwin brother that looks the most healthiest out of all of the contestants. Kim Coles, who was the ditzy chick from “Living Single.” Kim actually looks good plump, I don’t understand why she wants to lose weight, she looks good. Ralphie May, a no-name comic that is only famous for being a fat white guy who believes he is black man. Ralphie is probably the biggest contestant on the show, and I believe he needed to be in a fit club a long time ago. Another contestant is Biz Markie. Honest to god, I have no clue who this guy is, but to describe him, he looks like a black quazimoto, the hunchback of Notre Dame. I did wonder if he was really retarded, because he just acts like it. Why is this guy famous? Was he one of the bad singers off of American Idol or something? Next up is Wendy Kaufman, the Snapple lady. This lady reminds me of my ex-mother in law, Wendy is always “excited” about something. Damn, with all the energy of being excited I’m surprised this woman is fat at all. Maybe people shouldn’t drink Snapple, look what happens. Next is Mia Tyler, the daughter of Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. I believe Mia is one of those women that need the attention, but what I find strange is her resume says that she is a plus sized model. Like Kim Coles, I believe Mia looks good as a plus sized woman, I really don’t understand why she wants to lose weight, because she looks good. The show takes a lot from American Idol, relatively it uses it’s on Simon in the form of Harvey Walden, a beefcake black man with an attitude. I have mixed feelings about this show, because I can understand why some would want to lose weight. Some like Ralphie and the black retard, but some like Kim and Mia, I don’t understand, stop embarrassing yourselves girls, go home and stay big. Next show is that VH1 spewed out it’s producers is called Strange Love. Like the title of the show, it is indeed strange love. Strange Love pits Flavor Flav, a has-been rapper from the 80's, who can’t seem to grow up and act more mature, and a washed up actress in Brigite Neilson. Brigite and Flavor met on the 3rd season of The Surreal Life, but we will come to that show in a moment. Flavor Flav is probably the most annoying man on the face of the planet. 45 year old man who still dresses like a 12 year old on crack. Brigite Neilson is probably the ugliest woman I have ever seen. No wonder Sly Stallone got a divorce. Brigite Neilson truly believes that she’s high class with trying to persuade Flavor to dress in suits that were only popular in the 1920's, and taking gold teeth out of his mouth. The truth is Brigite Neilson is an old skanky slut who wants to show the world that she can still get men, but in reality no real man would even consider her a woman, ever seen the Crying Game, Flavor Flav? I would love to see Flavor scream his FLAVOR FLAV remark and someone would just tell him to shut up. FLAVOR FLAV! Shut up, moron! Besides, Chuck-D was the real talent in Public Enemy, Flavor was just along for the ride. The next show is the 4th season of The Surreal Life. I really hate this show. Not because The Surreal Life hasn’t been good, only the first two seasons, but the 3rd and 4th season’s cast has really been terrible. Who is on the cast of The Surreal Life? Adrianne Curry, a supermodel and from what the show shows, a grade A 100% slut. This is a woman who boo-hoo’s the audience by telling us how she rose up from being on drugs to the being a supermodel. Gia you’re not, Ms Curry, you’re not impressing me by whining about how you were on drugs, I would have more respect for you if you didn’t do drugs at all. I can’t stand when someone famous who goes broke wants sympathy because they blew all their money on crack. Next comes the has-been rapper, Da-Brat. Da-Brat is THE dumbest woman on the show, because she agreed to be on The Surreal Life, but she didn’t want to be on a show with a bunch of “has-beens.” I think Da Brat needs to understand something, SHE IS A HAS-BEEN! Also, you signed on to a show called The Surreal Life, you had no clue that it was a show with has-beens? I can see that rappers are NOT very intelligent. By the way, can anyone clearly say they have a Da-Brat cd? Or even know a Da-Brat song? I’ve never even heard of her. I’ve heard of everyone else on the show, but her. And she is complaining about being in a house full of has-beens? As they say in the rap world, “bitch please.” Next we have Chyna, former wrestler/guy. No, I don’t have evidence that she is a guy, but look at her, she’s a drag queen if I ever saw one, and I don’t care what Playboy showed, they airbrush everything, they can airbrush a penis too. Chyna reassures herself of all the accomplishments she has achieved, and the poof, it went away by her ego believing she was bigger than wrestling. On the show, Chyna is a drunken bitch who acts like she’s on crack. I remember watching her on wrestling, and I can honestly say that she looks like trash now. She’s pale, thinner, when before she was toned and tanned. Chyna honestly looks like sh*t. I may be a teacher, but I’m from the south. Next we have a male model whose name I don’t need to say, but if you look at him, well, let’s just say he is the only reason to watch this ignorant reality show. The guitar player from the Go-Gos is in the show, and just like Adrianne, she’s a slut. Obviously she still hasn’t grown up from the 80s where the Go-Gos filmed themselves having sex with male groupies. Talk about has-been, I don’t even known nor care to know her name, even to write it for this article. Next is Chris Knight, who to my surprise, was Peter Brady. To be honest, Chris Knight is a good looking man, and is also another reason to watch the show. Last is Verne Troyer, aka, Mini Me. Verne is probably the most pathetic piece of garbage Hollywood has ever produced. I don’t even understand why he was funny in Austin Powers. While everyone was laughing I was sitting in my seat thinking, “this is funny? He’s humping a laser? This is funny?” Verne is the ugliest, laziest, winiest, and most perverted person on the show. Not only does he get drunk, rubs Adrianne’s nipple (she probably wanted him to anyway), runs around on a scooter, complains about his room, threatens to leave (despite he signed a contract to stay), doesn’t help other cast members with anything, rides around naked and pees on the carpet, but he also praises everything he does. Chris Knight said, “You peed on the carpet,” Verne replies, “Sweet!” If Verne lived with me, I was boot him like a football out of my house, literally. “Here comes the kick, AAAAAAHHHHHH!” IT’S GOOD! After you watch these shows you’ll feel a whole better about yourself, and maybe want to wash your hands at the same time. ------------ About the author Megan Williams: I'm from Memphis, Tennessee, and I am a school teacher who teaches history. Email: redheadmegan@yahoo.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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