HOME | POLITICS | SPORTS | LIFE | SCI/TECH | OPEDS | HELPFUL TIPS
|
Jan. 10, 2005 It all started, for me, back in high school. I was playing on the defensive line. The quarterback would line up, and start calling signals. “Two! Thirty-Nine! Two! Thirty-Nine! Hut! Hut! Hut!” Now, just because I knew it would screw them up, I would add a “hut” or two. Every once in a while, some lineman would jump early, or their center would snap the ball early. I did that kind of thing for years. I’d call out knock-knock jokes. I’d pretend that I was just about to vomit, then say I was OK, let’s get the play started. Most opponents ignored me, but everyone knew I was just having fun. Hey, if the offense can have a chat during the game, why can’t the defense? It struck me as being only fair. That changed when, during one high school game, they called a penalty on me. Unsportsmanlike conduct was the accusation, and our idiot coach melodramatically yanked me off the field. Our idiot coach yelled at me on the sidelines (have I mentioned that he was an idiot?), but the yelling didn’t bother me. Half of my teammates were laughing about it, and that made it worthwhile. It’s a stupid rule, and we should revoke it. After all, the crowd is yelling all kinds of things anyway. Does it make any sense that the only people required to be silent are the people actually playing the game? Since then, however, I’ve always been on the lookout for unfair rules that needed changing. Here are a few for your consideration. EXPLOITING POLITENESS How often have you seen a personal foul on a defensive player who tackled the quarterback late? The defense chases the quarterback out of the pocket, and when the quarterback surrenders by sliding, some eager defender slams into him anyway. The referee whips out the flag. The crowd boos. The offensive line gets all protective about their dainty little quarterback, and beat their chests like apes. They socialize defensive players to treat the quarterback with every possible politeness. If the quarterback goes to slide, the defenders have to leave him alone, even if they slide three yards. The defenders have to show every possible courtesy. It’s a sport run by insurance adjusters. Sometimes, though, you get a quarterback like Donovan McNabb, Daunte Culpepper, or Michael Vick. When the defenders look like they’re going to give up, those quarterbacks exploit that politeness and break for more yards. Just when the defenders have to give up, those quarterbacks lower their shoulder and steal yardage. What happens? The next chance the quarterback starts to run, the defender remembers the first embarrassment, and resolves not to let it happen again. The defender brushes politeness aside, and predictably slams into the quarterback and draws a penalty. I say that’s the quarterback’s fault. If you, as a quarterback, pretend to surrender but then take extra yards, I say it’s open season. The rule should allow no possible personal foul on a quarterback who exploits a defender’s politeness. Moreover, a ten yard penalty on the quarterback, just for good measure. BRING BACK THE RUGBY EXTRA POINT Rugby is football’s grandfather. In rugby, they have an end zone area. You score by touching the ball down somewhere in that end zone – thus, we call it a "touch" "down". If you don’t touch the ball down, you don’t score. Now, rugby also has an extra point, like American football. The difference is that they place the extra point perpendicular to wherever you touched the ball down. If you score in the middle of the field, they place the extra point try in the middle, and you have an easy, straightforward kick. If you touch the ball down near the sideline, your try is at a severe angle. You have to spot the ball many yards behind the goal line, just to have an angle on the kick. Extra points are the second most boring exercises in sports, barely better than the intentional walk. They’re almost automatic, and that means they’re entirely predictable, and therefore entirely boring. I say we bring back the rule where you have to kick the extra point perpendicular to wherever you score the touchdown. It won’t be automatic, and it’ll bring a little excitement back to the play. Besides, it might make Randy Moss less eager to stage an insulting celebration if he has to risk coming closer to Ray Lewis in the middle of the field. GO WITH SHIELDS AND REMOVE THE BARS Originally, helmets didn’t have bars at all, which left football players with broken noses and flat faces. Then they put bars on the helmets, which allowed handsome people to play also. Nevertheless, everything has a cost. The bars gave tacklers something to grab. Grabbing onto a bar on the facemask is an automatic penalty; if you keep hold of it, it’s a personal foul and fifteen yards. When you’re tackling a ball carrier, you’re reaching for anything you can. Please don’t object that a tackler shouldn’t grab for anything, and that a good tackle consists of putting your shoulder into the carrier’s waist, and then wrapping your arms around his knees. That works great, but only when the ball carrier is running directly at you. Ball carriers, in case anyone needs reminding, run away from those big, slow defenders. Those big, slow defenders have to resort to grabbing the ball carrier just to slow him down. Facemask penalties happen, precisely because the runner forces the tackler to grab for anything he can. Do we need bars on the facemask? No, of course not. You’ve seen players lately. Many wear those visors, often tinted to prevent anyone from seeing their eyes. How hard could it be to install a full visor (like the astronaut’s helmets) instead of bars? Poke a few holes for breathing, and you do away with facemask penalties. The Raiders could have a Darth Vader helmet. How cool would that be? EVERYONE GETS A RADIO While we’re on the subject, why can’t we put a radio receiver in every helmet? The quarterbacks already get one. Who says that quarterbacks are the only ones who need communication? In the old days, it was impractical to communicate with all players all the time, so we have this antiquated system where the quarterback talks in code. He goes to the huddle and says bizarre things like “XZ Cross Bob on two.” Then they line up, and the quarterback shouts out even more secret code. If he changes his mind about the play he called in the huddle, the quarterback has even more secret code to broadcast. This was necessary because there was no practical way to communicate with all your players. Why can’t we just install a radio receiver in every helmet? The coach calls the play, and he can use plain English, thus allowing stupid players to feel welcome. All the assistant coaches can speak to their squads and explain precisely what to do. We could then do away with the huddle. Why should the fans pay hundreds of ticket dollars to watch in-game meetings? Hell, the rest of us suffer through our own meetings all week, and we have to bend over (if only metaphorically) just like in a huddle. Why watch pro athletes do the same thing we’re doing all week? I have other rules I’d like to see changed, but these are the most urgent. ------------ About the author: KC Mulville holds graduate degrees in philosophy, and is an ex-Jesuit. Now a husband and father of four, he is a programmer for databases and for the web. Email KC Mulville: kcmulville@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
||||||
|
|
|||||||
|
