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Feb. 27, 2005 Okay, this is written especially for all those who written me, asking if and how they might get evicted from their apartments. Now, contrary to popular belief, anyone can get evicted from their apartment, and I'm going to tell you how it's done. And, as you will find, it really isn't that difficult to do. As always, some methods are from my own personal experience, so they are tested and verified to work. So,if you are truly looking for that added thrill and a change of scenery, here ya' go. 1. Don't pay the rent! This is a classic method that leads to certain eviction as all landlords have a very severe addiction to rent checks. I'm sure many of you will not believe this, but it's true. Go ahead and try it, you'll see that I speak the truth. And, if you ignore his filthy addiction by not paying the rent, you will be evicted. I'm serious. I tried this once and it worked. The first thing my landlord did was give me this neat little eviction notice that said I had to vacate the premises within seven (7) days. It was so cool. I ignored this, and a couple days later I got a visit from a really cool policeman who "served" me with a real live eviction notice. It said I had thirty days to "pay or vacate". I didn't pay, and in thirty days, just like clockwork, another policeman showed up with a couple of friends and actually helped me move. This is also great if you have really heavy stuff to move out like pianos and fridges because they move everything into a neat pile on the sidewalk, and all you have to do is put it in your car. A great way to get movers for free. 2. Play your music too loud at night! Okay, whether its your JVC 1200 watt stereo system, your electric guitar with Marshall stacks, or a drum set, this is a gauranteed way to get evicted. All you do is play your music in the middle of the night, and as loud as it will go. I do recommend wearing proper hearing protection as I did this and it resulted in severe and "acute" damage to my ear drums, or so the doctor says. Anyhow, I can still hear just fine out of one of my ears, so it's really no big deal. Just wanted to let you know - FYI. Okay, so what will happen first is that your neighbors will all start pounding on your floors, walls and if they know your telephone number, they will call you. One of my neighbors called and said this: "Danny, I don't want to sound like a bitch, but your music is really loud." I just hung up and played the stereo even louder. Okay, at this point, this will get a bit complicated because the neighbors will call the police on you. I guess there's some kind of law called a noise ordinance that says you can't play your music really really loud in the middle of the night. Not to worry, you can also avoid this. What we did - my two roommates and me - was actually expect this. One watched for the cops, and sure enough in drove a shiny police "cruiser". All we did was put in a Helen Reddy CD at a very low volume and sat around playing a friendly game of Candyland. Well, the cops showed up, asked us if we'd been playing our stereo too loud. "Of course not, officer, we've just been sitting here playing Candyland and listening to Helen reddy at this same low volume." They chalked it up to hypersensitive neighbors and bid us good evening. At this point it was war. We put in especially disgusting punk rock music and maxed out the volume. Only this time we took each of the four tower speakers and pointed them directly at the walls and floor. It was great and the cops didn't show back up for an hour. We went back to the candyland, and the cops of course were "mystified. They left and we repeated the onslaught of music. On the third return of the police, they were remarkedly pissed off and didn't believe a word we said. I guess the 911 operator could hear the music over the phone. Anyhow, we continued this for quite some time, and did finally get evicted, and again the police helped us move all our stuff. It was great. 3. Start throwing your garbage out the window! Okay, this works great, and especially if your landlord lives below you on the bottom floor - as in our case. This actually began when my girlfriend gave me a hard time about taking out the garbage, and me and my roommates just started chucking it out the window. It also helped that we had like a kitchen full of garbage bags and old pizza boxes. And, as this occured during a party, before we knew it, we were throwing out dressers, tables and whatever wasn't nailed down Okay, I still don't know exactly how this worked, but the police came and "physically extracted us from the premises". In other words, we were evicted on the spot, without any notice at all. And, as we had already thrown all our stuff on the street, they didn't have to help us move. I do not recommend this unless you have a place to live lined up because we had to sleep on a lot of couches for about a month. But, mark my words, it works, and very well. 4. Start a fake drug lab! Okay, landlords hate the thought of their apartments being used as a drug lab because they have to basically strip the apartment down to the wall studs to comply with environmental laws. Now, you don't actually want to start a drug lab is this is highly illegal and will result in almost certain incarceration in a prison. And, I really don't recommend prison as it is not as fun as it seems. Anyhow, you can very easily start a very legal pretend drug lab for pennies. For those who have basic chemistry knowledge you know that with pirex cookware and some interesting ingredients you can really stink up an apartment. But, for those without that knowledge, I recommend the Stinky Science Book and Kit, which you can find at just about any hobby shop. All you do is start mixing chemicals that will produce a severe stink. For instance, use sulfur compounds to create the most stinkiest odor you could ever imagine, just make sure to use safe compounds as sulfur can be lethal if not mixed right. Anyhow, start doing this and you will get evicted. Landlords have a very low tolerance of stinky tenants, as do your fellow tenants. But, please be advised that you should keep a good-smelling set of clothes in a tightly fastened container as every single thing in your apartment will soon stink as well. And, while you and your buddies will stink as well, your friends will soon find little amusement in the stench, so it's advisable to take very thorough showers before going out in public. But yes, this one is sure to bring on wacky fun for all. 5. Open up a punk rock club! This is easy - just make sure to keep all your valuables in your locked bedroom - and have a very big lock. It's not that punk rockers are thiefs, but they do like to break stuff, and often times cannot appreciate that you don't want some of your stuff broken. Okay, how this works. First of all, punk rockers in general do not care one iota about anything, they listen to very loud music, and do a dance that is called a mosh. Landlords hate all of this. You'll have to make room for a "mosh pit" in your living room, but that's real easy, just move everything out of the room. Oh yea, moshing is basically like one big controlled fight, or a riot set to music. Anyhow, this will get you evicted. Even faster if you can get the moshing punks to break the walls and stuff. 6. Tear up your floor and start a garden! Sounds complicated, but it's not. All you have to do is tear up the floorboards of your living room, or whatever room gets the most direct sunlight. Then simply fill in the exposed floor framing with dirt. Plant lettuce, mangos or whatever agricultural products you like. If you don't have a "green" thumb, that's okay too, because they have many great books that will teach you how to be an ace gardener. And, make sure to start wearing overalls and work boots too, because you've just became a real live farmer just like in the movies. Okay, this works because eventually the water you use to water your "crop" will leach onto the downstairs neighbor's ceiling, leaving a very brown disgusting stain. When the landlord realized you've turned your apartment into the "north 40" farm, you will be evicted. (I did not have the privelidge to try this one, but a Kurdish neighbor of mine did, and it did work) 7. Buy a goat, a sheep, a pig, and two roosters! Okay, most apartments have a very strict pet "clause" and it is highly doubtful that they allow even one of these farm animals, let alone all of them. And, you can purchase these animals in any livestock listing in your newspaper for very cheap. Then simply let them roam the apartment. You will soon find that the combination of one goat, one sheep, one pig, and two roosters make an incredible amount of farmyard noise. In no time your landlord will find out about them, and you will be evicted, having seriously violated your pet claus. Note: this will not work in most Islamic countries) Well, that's a start anyways. Go ahead and try any one of these tried and proven methods and you will get evicted. Seriously - I'm not kidding. ------------ About the author: Danny Watson is a freelance investigative journalist living in Copehagen, Denmark. He also writes comedy and satire as a break from the more serious pieces. Although exclusive rights are held by many of his previous work, you can read a lot of his humor pieces and get tips for writers at: http://groups.msn.com/DerekZoolanderSchoolforKidsWhoCantReadGood Email: ne033x@hotmail.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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