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Dec. 30, 2004 Every New Year and I mean every New Year we make resolutions that rarely if ever are resolved. When the clock starts winding down and 2005 is ushered in will you make the same resolutions as last year? You probably will. You know the ones: quit smoking, lose weight, get out of debt, and get organized, and so on and so on and so on. It’s a bummer. My coworkers are throwing away their candy dishes and are riding high on the expectations of a thinner year. I said that I would “try.” I know New Year’s day I’ll be munching on Cheeto’s and drinking beer. I know Super Bowl Sunday I’ll be eating deep fried pork fritters and drinking beer. I know on Valentine’s Day I’ll be eating chocolate truffles and drinking beer. Of course there is the traditional Stan Grimes birthday party in May. I will be eating hot dogs lathered with mustard and I will be…drinking beer. You see, I’ll be lying about my New Year’s resolutions. I do every year. Last year I resolved to lose weight and gained ten pounds. I resolved to get out of debt and just got a new Ultra Express Master Card with 48% interest rate on the security deposit…great huh? I resolved to quit my job last year. I’m still here…hiding. I’m not sure if they know I still work here, at least the paymaster does. I resolved to go see my mother more often in the nursing home. She still doesn’t remember me. I’ve decided to make some really far-out resolutions this year…hey I’m not going to keep them anyhow: 1. This year I’m not going to call Britney Spears and ask her “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?” 2. I will not sing karaoke next to the lady who is dedicating her song to her dead grandmother… she really gave me a dirty look last year. 3. I will absolutely not put the moves on the lesbian karaoke director. Man, my wife was peeved. 4. I will not get naked while trying to sing “You’ve lost that loving feeling.” My wife stayed at a hotel that night.
Those are my resolutions this year. I
have full intentions of doing none of them (well
maybe the “dancing naked” one). Happy New Year
everyone and make sure your designated driver is
sober.
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