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Dec. 23, 2004 Each December, families across the world go through the labor of putting up a Christmas tree. Some chop them down in the forest, while others buy them from a pile of freshly-cut trees in a grocery store parking lot. My parents bought a fake one. Though Dad made what he felt was the right decision, his choice of a silver tree left much to be desired. He called it a “Hollywood Christmas Tree” not only because it was silver but also because he’d decorated it with “Judy” garland, some “Lucille” balls and a “Ringo” star on top. Also, my mother had a little hoop made of evergreen branches adorned with little faces of Benjamin Franklin. She called it “a wreath of Franklin.” My parents had a weird sense of humor. Christmas continues to be a difficult time for me, though for different reasons -- mainly because I've never gotten the hang of stringing popcorn with a sewing needle. I don't know what's worse -- pricking my finger with the needle, or struggling to not curse after doing so. Polluting a white Christmas with blue language doesn't seem right. Personal pains aside, I decorate the Christmas tree each year with strings of popcorn and cranberries for a very simple reason: to protect cattle from being mutilated by space aliens. As anyone who's read a supermarket tabloid knows, ranchers here and there report cattle missing only to find them, dead and often missing vital organs -- removed with what experts call "surgical precision." Since there is no earthly reason to harvest cattle in this way, the culprits must be from outer space. Cattle mutilations seem to occur more frequently in the winter and my research suggests it has to do with Christmas lights. UFOs, as described by tabloid newspapers, are usually decorated with blinking lights. Sometimes the lights encircle the craft, other times they merely dot its edges -- but all UFOs have them. I have yet to hear of a UFO that doesn't. This is why I suspect Americans are inadvertently attracting aliens with our festive Christmas lights. Alien spacecraft have been spotted by airline pilots, captains of ships and even drivers of automobiles -- indeed, all modes of transportation clad in blinking lights. The Aurora Borealis, fireflies, Lite-Brite sets, disco balls, strobe lights and the “Electric Parade” at DisneyWorld probably aren’t helping matters. In all likelihood, aliens are drawn to Earth by our many blinking lights. Like ducks deceived by duck-shaped decoys floating in a pond, aliens may think our Christmas trees are other UFOs. Like any good neighbor, they drop by to say "Howdy" -- or whatever they say in their native tongue, if they even have tongues. When they discover they’ve been duped, the UFOs retaliate by mutilating our cattle. Aliens are a temperamental and thin-skinned lot. History has no record of UFOs attacking cattle before Thomas Edison’s assistant, Edward Johnson, came up with the idea of electric lights for Christmas trees in 1882. In fact, no one had ever seen a UFO before Martin Luther started the tradition of Christmas trees in the 16th century. Anyone who has lost cattle to space aliens should probably blame the Lutherans. We're only tempting fate each winter by getting aliens all riled up with the wooden decoys we call Christmas trees. The historical evidence is clear. Don't delay -- unplug your Christmas lights because it may be the only way to save America's cattle industry from UFOs. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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