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Dec. 23, 2004 Each winter, folks take stock of their year and hope Santa Claus will reward twelve months of good behavior. Children the world over, however, will leave out cookies and milk in hopes that Tickle Me Elmo soon will be there. Innocents that they are, children are threatened each winter by something far worse than vibrating muppets: Frosty the Snowman. Americans are wintertime hypocrites. We don't want vagrants hanging around our homes and, through our elected officials, have enacted numerous loitering laws prohibiting it. Each winter, however, we are proud to have lethargic and badly-dressed snowmen lounging in our front yards. Let there be no misunderstanding -- they ARE badly-dressed and those who aren't are usually naked. Case in point: Frosty, the most famous snowman of them all, struts his stuff each year wearing only a silk hat. As if his wintry exhibitionism weren't enough, he uses a pipe. What sort of message does that send to children? Naked tobacco promoters are the last people I want in my front yard, let alone cavorting with my children. With the help of responsible parents, improved zoning, "neighborhood watch" programs and public indecency laws, it may finally be possible to put Frosty the Snowman where he belongs -- behind bars. The need to put Frosty on ice seems evident. Color me reactionary but anyone running around naked as a frozen jaybird, "here and there, all around the square 'saying catch me if you can,'" only confirms my suspicion that he is a scofflaw and a bad role model for kids. In fact, Frosty the Scofflaw seems to thumb his button nose at authority figures when he paused only momentarily when a traffic cop told him to stop. What message does THAT send to children? For years, Frosty's caught heat from law enforcement officials because of his mysterious ability to slip through even the tightest of police blockades. "He's pretty slick," said a police spokesman. "It's like he's got eyes made of coal in the back of his head." Though no American communities have specific ordinances specifically illegalizing Frosty's brand of frozen hooliganism, sources within the law enforcement community inform me that he will "probably be detained on a charge of public indecency." Sadly, Frosty could beat the rap because laws on the subject are pretty vague. While there are no plans afoot among members of Congress to discourage the public indecency of snowmen, I'm hopeful that this issue will be considered when they reconvene in January. From disobeying police officers to jaywalking, displaying public indecency and teaching kids to smoke corncob pipes, there are few more deserving of jail time than Frosty the Snowman. He's a menace to the public and should be off the streets for good. Parents everywhere should give three cheers for global warming. Bad role models ought not be celebrated during the holidays. If Santa wants to bring me anything this Christmas, it'll be a nicotine patch and a pair of snowpants for Frosty. ------------ About the author: Doug Hecox is an accomplished stand-up comedian whose work has appeared in everything from Reader's Digest to the Washington Monthly. His latest book, "Graze Expectations," is available widely. For more information, visit Doug at www.dougfun.com. Email: doug@dougfun.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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