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Dec. 9, 2004 The mall, should actually be considered a maul, at th is time of year. Wallets being emptied faster that a super flush toilet and tempers flaring worse than a long hot summer. And to what end? To daily fights and malcontents at the famous present openings of Christmas morning. The look of will I get what I want, to the actual dull response of” thank you Aunt Marge for the cozy wool and acetate underwear” that is the disappointed thank you of not wanted stuff. But all in all, isn’t it fun? Fun, I said fun? Here I’ll open that big bottle of Valium (Wal- Mart Sams Club super size.. good deal) and Tylenol. No, don’t take that with that thermos of vodka, no matter how much it will help while your wife leaves you stranded on a pretty park bench in the middle of the shopping maul. The maul is mans torture chamber. Unless he likes shopping, A place crammed with stores and of people. People who are all out doing the same thing, looking for the same things and willing to fight over it. People who are filled with the holiday spirit, usually 90 proof. Women are great shoppers. They mull over every thing they buy. Thinking contemplating and realizing that the woman standing next to her has exactly what she wanted all along. And is willing to quibble, beg, offer, finagle and eventually pay three times the going price to have it, only to put it back and not buy it. Snta at this time of year has it tough. What with health certificates, mad cow disease.. you simply cant get reindeer into the mauls anymore. So Santa has a Humvee. I know this because at our local maul, I saw him get out of bright yellow one. This can be a good thing. It can be a bad thing too. Knowing that Santa got out of a Humvee, can make him a target for road rage warriors. Imagine a child who has grownup and never got what he wanted. Now he knows what Santa is driving, Santa is not safe. Santa is a target for everything this season. Imagine the headlines of the Times: Santa up on charges of contributing to obesity (american diabetics cry foul at gifts of candy canes) Santa fined for environmental dumping of coal Santa held in Cuba pending security clearance. Now holidays are supposed to be fun. And giving presents are supposed to be of actually thinking about what the person wants, and the thought behind it. Not which woman won the sweater pull at the bargain bin. Not which father wrestled another father for that Mountain bike in neon green and day glow purple that Timmy would love, only to be carted away by a five year old while the wrestling match was going on and the sales people taking bets on the first groin kick. Holidays are supposed to be full of Television family ideals. Football games played on the front or backyards, food being prepared by kindly womenfolk. That large cooked turkey pulled out of a nice oven by clean pot holders and placed on a perfectly decorated table with china and crystal. You have got to be kidding. Paper plate, plastic cups and plastic forks, Stuff that can be thrown into the bon fire or wood burning stove and turned to ash, along with the memories. What we have here folks is an idea for reality TV. Reality Family Holidays! It would be a hit. Because the family would vote a member out and they would have to figure out how to return the gift and who would get the money. Oh wait that happens every holiday. And what about that family member who under cooks the food just to give another member they hate a little gift of ptomaine poisoning or a simple case of botulism? It would be a great show. It could be your family though, just remember that. Gifts are something that we should never worry about. I mean if you never knew your cousin why buy him a Rolex? Buy me a Rolex, because you haven’t seen me either in twenty years. I have some fine example of thoughtful and easy gift giving. Presents should reflect the person. For your sister who goes through boyfriends more often than her Victoria secret underwear, give her the gift that keeps giving. A years supply of EPT kits and coupon books for free health screenings at area clinics. For your nephew, that peels out of the driveway. How about a garage full of tires. It’s a a cheap but thoughtful gift that keeps him happy and keeps your old tires out of your garage. And what about your wife? You know the one that uses the fire alarm as a cooking timer. How about a cooking timer that sounds like a fire alarm? Does the same thing without the fire department coming over. Of course if that’s tradition, who would want to break tradition. And what about, say that one person who is a know it all? One that is always offering advice but hasn’t a clue? Register them or get them a gift subscription to a college course. And your neighbors, You shouldn’t forget them, especially if you live in a trailer park. You could get them registered on Jerry Springer. Sure they will be the stars of the neighborhood, but won’t that make you feel good? So, as we look at the upcoming Holiday season, remember goodwill towards all people, (donations greatfully accepted in larger bills), don’t disturb your neighbors (especially if you live in a trailer park or know your neighbor is hunter), the holiday spirit does not mean the higher the proof the better. And the maul, I mean Mall is not place to leave your husband so he can hear your name over the loud speaker to come to the office, only to find out that your face Is listed on papers faxed to other mauls( malls) . Let someone else taste the food first, And the biggest advice of all, don’t take everything so seriously this time of year. Lighten up and enjoy yourself. Happy Twisted Holidays! ------------ About the author: Julia Sherman is now a BA student at SNL@ DePaul University. Working on a New project of making a mummy for a museum exhibit. Her Factoring Diabetes is available at Booklocker.com, and Dollmaking at Lionsong.com. She live son a 30 acre farm, that is slowly being converted in a Haunted Farm for next years Haloween. Email: jimmysdevoted2@bellsouth.net Tell a friend about this site! ------------ |
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