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Dec. 5, 2004 I’ve often wondered what the hell is wrong with me. If I were a Progressive I could take life easy. Seriously, Progressives have got it made. One of the greatest benefits of being a Progressive is that you never have to worry about getting your facts straight. If the facts don’t fit your argument, you simply make them up. Another positive aspect is the avoidance of “yes or no questions.” Progressives almost never answer with a “yes or no.” Instead they can have fun with pontification and misdirection, the watchwords of every Progressive. When faced with a question requiring an uncomfortable “yes or no” answer the polished Progressive is the master. He/She will go back to the subject of the previous question to clarify, leap ahead to a new and safer subject or refer to one of many “talking point” subjects already memorized. I’ve found myself becoming jealous of Progressives because they have someone they can blame for everything that happens. If the mail is late, George W. Bush is at fault. He won’t allow a pay increase for the downtrodden postal worker. Actually George W. Bush has no idea what a cathartic service he’s performing for the disenfranchised Progressive. Mr. Bush is probably preventing already overburdened Mental Health facilities from collapse. He does this by giving our socialist minded Progressives a target for discontent and hate. I, on the other hand, have no one to blame and no one to hate. No wonder I’m not happy. Another great advantage to being a Progressive is strong, healthy lungs and a wonderfully developed larynx. Now I have absolutely no proof of this, but I believe Frank Sinatra tutored key Liberals, (That’s what Progressives were called before they determined “Liberal” had some negative connotations), in the art of breath control. I believe he also gave them the secret to developing more lung power and a stronger Voice Box. This, of course, was done before Sinatra lost his soul and turned Republican. I am really jealous of Progressives. They can speak far longer and louder without a breath. It’s not fair. Frank’s in the ground so I can’t learn the secrets. Finally, I think Progressives are probably the greatest, most prolific inventors in the world. Progressives can take simple statements or reports, cull a few words and phrases and adapt a scenario that fits their agenda of the moment. I’ve seen it done on countless talk shows like “Meet The Press,” “Hardball,” “Cross-Fire,” and others. I’ve seen it done here on UK. I’ve read comedy sketches, written by a Michelle something or other and they made me downright jealous. Taking an old “Right Wing Extremist” like me and showing him how much fun it is to answer a question with a question. How educational it is to learn to voice and write fiction so adeptly, why that just makes the old “Green Eyed Monster” jump up on my shoulder. Someday, if I live long enough, I hope I’ll be able to mirror the Progressive philosophy. I’m going to focus on marshalling all my disappointments, failures, foolish escapades, character flaws, refusals to accept responsibility, pettiness and egotism into a good case of dislike, maybe even hate. Then I’ll learn how to transfer all that to the ultimate authority figure, the President of the United States. At last I’ll be able to join the ranks of the fun people, the Progressives. There are a couple of problems standing in the way of my progression to a Progressive. I don’t have a College education for one thing. In fact, I got thrown out of school in my junior year of high school. Another drawback is I’m not a world traveler. I’ve traveled a bit around the good old U.S.A., but that’s it. It just dawned on me. I’ve only written one book and it’s not even published. I think I’m doomed to this “Stick in the Mud Right Wing Extremist” stuff. Yep--I’m stuck with the other dumb cowboys. Well, I expect that’s my opinion. It’s the only one I’m qualified to give--Yee Haw. ------------ About the author James B. Bergstad: I've explored this planet for sixty-six years. For the most part it's been a blast. I now indulge my passions of reading, writing and painting. My novel "Hyde's Corner" is awaiting publication. It is a taut period/drama set in the Oklahoma Panhandle. Sheriff Selmer Burks presides over the destruction of three families and the corruption of Hyde's Corner. Email: captflash@astound.net Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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