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Aug. 30, 2005 NASCAR has become one of the most popular spectator sports around. Thousands of people, men and women, travel hundreds of miles to watch this challenge on the macadam. Someone explain this to me, please without one-syllable expletives. What is the magnetism? What draws every sun worshiper in American to the oval track? I’m missing something. You put thirty or forty cars on a round track and the driver makes his/her car go real fast and practices left turns. If for some reason, the driver turns right, he/she is in big “hockin” trouble. The secret of this sport, is going faster than everyone else, and if you’re not going faster than the driver in front of you, you just give the leading car a little nudge. This little nudge often leads to horrific accidents and could possibly lead to serious injury to the driver or ultimately death. Great sport. Whatever happened to the word sport? I, since childhood, always equated the word with such mundane events as football, baseball, basketball, bicycling, hockey, track, and skiing. It was mano to mano, one man’s endurance versus another man’s skill. It was patting your teammate on the butt if he hit a homerun. It was having a game of hit your buddy with your jockstrap after practice or giving the class nerd a wedgy after he screwed up a planned play in basketball practice. What has happened? Now we watch these guys dressed up in space cadet costumes driving around in a circle and making 400 grand for winning. Not only that, they get to sleep with all the Madonna-look-alikes or they wear an Auto Zone patch on their space cadet costume, and are paid 500 grand. Geez, what’s that about?
You road hogs want sport? I’ll give you sport. Try figure skating on for size. Now, by gawd, that’s a sport. Put on some leotards and get on the ice baby, and strut your stuff. Don’t hide behind your steering wheels you wussy car drivers. Put on a pair of skates and do a figure eight. I dare you. Come on take the first shot you little concrete cowboys.
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