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Aug. 27, 2005 God spoke to me this evening, as I was smoking a joint and laughing at the antics of SpongeBob SquarePants. I'm convinced it was the Supreme Being, because my friends don't usually pepper their conversations with "thous" and "shalts". "Why hast thou chosen me of all men to speak to, is it because I'm a respected columnist?", I inquired of the Almighty. "Get a grip. thou art but a pundit for a small town newspaper and a scribe for a Web site entitled Useless Knowledge." "Lord, no disrespect but I don't even believe in you," I protested. "Perfect", said the Big Guy, "I haven't had much luck communicating with those that believe in me, they always end up misinterpreting my commandments." I examined my doobie to see if it had been laced with a mind-altering substance, when the Lord grabbed my attention by switching my TV to the Lifetime channel. I begged the Divine Being forgiveness for letting my attention stray and pleaded with him to turn the Lifetime channel off. "I want you to write an essay in a prestigious publication condemning Pat Robertson as an "idiotic charlatan", He commanded. "But Lord", I argued, "The New York Times" and the "Washington Post", return my submissions as spam." "OK", said the Lord, "There are some things even I can't do, just submit your essay to "Useless Knowledge Mag", and it will reach the intended audience. I still don't know if I was the victim of a bad reefer or a capricious deity, but if you don't like this essay, don't blame me, blame God. ------------ About the author: Robert Paul Reyes is a columnist for the Lynchburg Ledger and has written over 100 articles for Useless-Knowledge.com. Email: rreyes4966@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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