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Aug. 6, 2005 Jerry Falwell called a press conference to announce that Richard Simmons is Satan's Pied Piper, leading the horizontally challenged to hell fire and brimstone. The rotund evangelist declared that Christians burdened by excess pounds should pray to the Lord for deliverance instead of "Sweating to the Oldies" with the effeminate emissary of the devil. The frizzy-haired fitness guru responded to Falwell's diatribe, by offering the fat preacher a free one-on-one-session. The fitness evangelist guaranteed that Falwell would have a "gay old time" sweating away the pounds. In a surprising development, Falwell accepted Richard's offer, with the condition that the fitness maven wear his "cute little red shorts." In his first public appearance after his private session with Simmons, Falwell preached a sermon from the pulpit of Thomas Road Baptist Church sporting cherry red hot pants that showed off his shaved legs. The shocked and horrified congregation bombarded Falwell with Bibles, and called the preacher all sorts of slurs. Falwell did not survive the attack by his own church, and Pat Robertson declared that Falwell is now burning in hell for turning gay. But Falwell did not meet such a horrible fate, in fact, he was welcomed to heaven by a hot pants clad Liberace. ------------ About the author: Robert Paul Reyes is a columnist for the Lynchburg Ledger. Email: rreyes4966@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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