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Apr. 13, 2005 Growing up Goomba as I did the mob was all over the place. As I got older the subject of these men and woman became an obsession of mine. I studied these good fellows and decided I would infiltrate their world to see just what made them tick. I met a friend of a man, who knew my sisters brother’s fathers wife’s older mothers daughter. He told me there was a place that the so called mobsters gathered to talk about things. He added that he didn’t know where this so called place was but he was almost sure there was one. I was at square one and in more of a confused state then usual. I decided to go to the source. I passed this place all the time in my travels. The place was called “Mob Headquarters”. It was a front for an Italian pastry shop. I thought, “How ingenious, who would expect this to be a real mob headquarters. I walked inside. I met a man known simply as Big D. I asked him what the D stood for and he said Benny. I looked at him and said Benny starts with a B not a D. He told me he couldn’t help it if he was a bad speller. I then explained to him how much the mob interested me and he smiled and asked me to see the man in the back room. He then explained to me that I had to use the secret knock at the door or I wouldn’t be let in. “Knock three slow knocks then three times fast. Now a guy will slide open a small panel in the door. He then will ask you for the secret password.” I asked him what the password was and he just laughed and said “That’s a secret now beat it runt”. I walked over to the door anyway. I knocked three times slow then three times fast and the door swung open. A huge man grabbed me by the shirt collar and I was truly so scared that I may have wet my trousers. He lifted me up to his face. This guy must have been seven feet tall and ugly as sin. I knew I was getting closer to my goal. He looked me right in the eyes and asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted to meet Mr. Big, The head hauncho, the boss. He just looked at me with a blank stare. Hanging there, I looked around the room and noticed a desk. On this desk was a name plate. It read “Sal Manila”. Then hanging there choking to death I managed to squeak out “I’m here to see Mr. Manila. The huge man then out me down and said “Oh why didn’t you say that in the first place.” He pointed to the chair sitting behind the desk. It was turned away from me so I couldn’t see who it was sitting in it but it started slowly turning around. I still saw no one as I walked closer. A low voice called out and said “Welcome my friend. Now, what can I do for you?” I still saw no one. It was so weird that is until a little man about three foot one climbed out of the chair. I laughed and said “You’re him? You’re the top dog, the head hauncho, the Mr. Big?” “As a mater of a fact I am, why do you ask?” the underworld boss asked with a puzzled look on his face. Well, it is just that, um, well, you’re a peanut, a pigmy, a small fry a shrimp.” Just then the little Don stopped wiping whatever he was wiping off of his chin, jumped off of the table and bit me in the leg. “OUCH!!! I screamed loud enough for the whole Asian continent to hear me. A small piece of the ceiling fell off I was so loud. The boys came running in to see what the matter was. They saw that the Don had things under control. They grabbed him off of my leg and stood him back up on the table. He looked me right in the eyeballs and laughed. “Now who is the small man?” he asked snickering. I simply said “You still got us beat.” The gang agreed and the Don went back to his seat. He called out to his wife and from the other room a gorgeous six foot, legs up to her nose blonde bombshell came walking into the room. “I wish to go shopping.” The Don said, as his wife smiled, knowing she was going to buy anything that her heart desired. She picks up the Don and under her arm the two left the meeting. One huge gorilla looking hulk of a man walked over to me. I must admit I was scared but would never show it. He leaned over to me close and said “Why did you put the Boss down like that. I replied “He was born that way.” The whole room started to laugh. Tony the stick, Beans and Joe the shmo even laughed. Then all heck broke lose. Richie the rat said “Yeah, the Boss needs a step ladder just to get out of his shoes.” Another guy shouted “out yeah when he answers the phone the person calling asks to speak to his mommy.” We all were laughing at everyone telling jokes at the Dons expense. Just then Tony Provolone shouted out “It could be worse, you should see him without his elevator shoes on.” Just then the room got very silent. Moose looked at Tony and said “Hey Tony, you shouldn’t have out to done that, you know that’s a secret.” I was finally one of the boys, excepted into there world. We were playing cards for about four hours when we heard the limo pull up. Don was back. I peeped out the window. I saw his window roll down and a small rope ladder came flying out. The Don climbed down the rope and came walking into his home. The room grew silent as he walked into the room. He walked over to me and grabbed me by the neck and pulled me close and kissed me on the lips. I was worried. I heard about the kiss of death. I knew he was going to do something dreadful to me like blow up my car, put a hit out on me or make me watch an Ashton Kutcher movie. I knew I was a marked man. He noticed my nervousness and asked what why I was so jittery. I tried the honest approach and said “Well sir you kissed me on the lips and I know what that means. He laughed and said “Hey I like you, I don’t want to kill you I wanted top see what a great kisser you were and trust me you aint so good at it. Now I know what job you will be great at in our fine upstanding organization.” I asked what expecting him to tell me i had to kill someone but he didn’t. He put me in charge of watching his wife. “Hey with your looks I feel safe.” He said as he walked away. This is just one of the many true adventures I had when I first met the mob. Wait until you hear what happens next. That will have to wait for another time. Its my turn to carry the boss around town. His wife is away on a vacation with Tony. This could be trouble. ------------ About the author: Bob D Caterino is a writer that we all either hate or love. His work can be found at http://www.ebookmall.com/ebook/163906-ebook.htm. My website: www.geocities.com/bdcaterino He hopes the death threats will stop. Its only words he uses. Laugh and lighten up will ya? Email: bobdcaterino56@aol.com Tell a friend about this site! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. 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