Alternate Fuels

By Benjamin F. Kaye
Sept. 22, 2011

I was thinking about our fossil fuel crisis lately. There have been a lot of ideas floating around out there, especially when it comes to alternate fuels. Here are some of my ideas about what we might use to power our society in the future (if you actually implement my ideas and win a Nobel Prize in Science, please share at least a small amount of the money with me).

Dust would make a great alternate fuel. I would be rich! Think of the possibilities – there would actually be a financial incentive for not cleaning your home. Dust could power our household appliances, especially our vacuum cleaners. How is that for irony? I can see the news stories pouring in right now: “A home on Main Street was broken into last night. All the dust was removed – the owner is very upset but her house is very clean.”

Snow would be another great alternate fuel. Here in Central New York we get lots of snow. The whole area would become richer than OPEC. I could see us now, shoveling up the wonderful white stuff with designer shovels and riding around in diamond-studded snowmobiles. Won’t it be a wonderful day when you hear about the price of snow on the stock market?

How about gray hair as an alternate fuel? Then our “golden” years would truly be golden. The elderly would at least be loved for their economic value. Won’t it be strange, though, to hear about all the “granny-nappings” on the six o’ clock news? Barbers and hairdressers would become follicle financial specialists, highly trained in picking out the grayest of the gray. The hair coloring industry would crash and they would have to send lobbyists to Washington D.C. to save their livelihood.

And what about junk mail? Then the US Post Office would finally solve its own financial problems. In fact, they might even be able to offer free stamps. What a strange sight it would be to see your local mailman in an armored vehicle to protect all that precious cargo!

Bad news would make an excellent alternate fuel. You could power entire offices for weeks on end while they down sized. In fact, the worse the economy became the more energy we could generate. The more crime went up, the more street lights we could power. Why entire cities could switch to this alternate fuel right after the six o’ clock news and have enough power for the rest of the night. In the oddest twist of fate mankind has ever seen, happiness could actually bring about an energy shortage (I can see it now: a man telling his wife to go out and mug somebody so they can keep the lights on).

Fruit cake would be an excellent source of energy to power all our holiday decorations. You could feed that stuff to your neon Santa and his blinking elf buddies and they would be as happy as a penguin in the North Pole. Finally – no more lying to Aunt Matilda about her wonderful gift! Even the nightly business report would be injected with a little holiday cheer.

But, let me assure you that we do have an alternate fuel that we can use today: dreams. They power the engine of tomorrow and the youth who are building that very engine. So keep dreaming, for no matter what anyone says, dreams are not useless.


About the author: I am a 43 year old dreamer who was born in Buffalo, NY. During those 43 years I have earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from The State University of New York at Buffalo (UB) and a Master’s Degree in Social Work from Syracuse University. I currently spend my days working for Uncle Sam.

Further reading:

If you are interested in seeing what else my mind is capable of, you can visit me at www.scribid.com. I have two books of poetry, “Play-Doh from Heaven” and “They Came to My Door” awaiting you there. I also have several short stories that are sitting on that web site, daring you to read them.

Email: princexaven@gmail.com

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