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Apr. 23, 2011 Today’s article is a look at those who almost achieved immortality in the world’s psyche. The superheroes that fell just short of super. Although their hearts were in the right place, their abilities were not. The first mediocre hero to appear on the scene was “The Odor”. A simple forty something man working in a scented candle company, he dreamed big and planned hard. One day, his plans were tragically cut short when the company caught fire, engulfing him in thousands of odors. His body absorbed everything from “Arizona Desert Surprise” to “Dr. Zhivago Seduction”. One might think that he had been incredibly blessed, but it was an olfactory nightmare beyond imagining. All the odors combined into one pervasive smell that caused the eye to burn and the stomach to do flip-flops. The Odor was determined to use his newfound curse for good however, and he took to the streets. His solo crime fighting career lasted about seven weeks, which was all the time it took for people to discover that a fan (or simply standing downwind) would negate his power. “Glitter Gal” was the next hero to step onto the mean streets. An innocent lass who loved to do projects with glitter; she was cruelly assaulted on her way home. She was covered with her own glitter and thrown into a cooling tank of the local nuclear power plant. She emerged a wonder of modern science – a being covered in glowing glitter. However, underneath the dazzling appearance she was just an ordinary sixteen year old. Without any other super powers behind her, she was an easy target for local bullies; especially since she could be easily spotted. But soon the criminal element had someone new to fear – “Plastico, Master of #5 Recycled Plastics”. His origins are shrouded in mystery. Cosmic rays, unusual medical experiments, and recycling bins all are rumored to have played a part in his creation. His powers are truly terrifying – if you happen to be a yogurt container or a ketchup bottle. To the local gangs, they provided a brief spot of amusement before getting down to business – beating Plastico to a bloody pulp. “Sloth Man” was one of the more successful mediocre heroes to emerge. As his name implies, he was incredibly slow (he sometimes spent 4 hours crossing a street). However, he was always able to get the best of his nemesis, “Captain Catatonic”. The two clashed frequently, but after the first five hours, on-lookers would become bored and simply wander away. He loves to relate the story of how he obtained his powers, but since he is so slow, no one ever sticks around after the first sentence. Finally, there is the sad case of “Captain Idaho”, a washout from the Idaho National Guard. Although his lifelong dream of serving his state was cruelly shattered, he decided to become a champion of good – no matter the cost. After several months of grueling research, he came up with a “super soldier serum”. It consisted of several brands of cough syrup, windshield washer fluid, toilet bowl cleaner and gummy bears. This incredible concoction has given him the physical prowess of a fifty something high school gym teacher. Wielding a modified garbage can lid (emblazoned with the state symbol of Idaho of course), he combats crime whenever and wherever he can find it. And, after the thugs stop laughing, they give him a one way ticket to the local emergency room. It wasn’t long before these dedicated individuals banded together to better society. They realized that they couldn’t change the world, so they started out humbly. They called themselves the “Justice League of Cheektowaga”. After gaining some confidence in their crime fighting abilities and teamwork, they renamed themselves the “Justice League of Cheektowaga and Depew.” Their headquarters are a bowling alley in Cheektowaga – the exact alley is a closely guarded secret. They gather there regularly to discuss threats to their suburbs (“The Odor” is allowed to attend via video conference and “Sloth Man” must be given two weeks advance notice).
So dear readers, this is my latest submission to the encyclopedia of useless knowledge. However, if you are a mediocre villain, such as “The Toilet Terror”, you might have found this article invaluable in planning your evil schemes.
Further reading:
If you are interested in seeing what else my mind is capable of, you can visit me at www.scribid.com. I have two books of poetry, “Play-Doh from Heaven” and “They Came to My Door” awaiting you there. I also have several short stories that are sitting on that web site, daring you to read them.
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