Although the Bogeyman has existed for many years, the scientific study of him is still in its infancy. New information is coming to light on an almost daily basis. I will now share what has been discovered so far.

A bogeyman is indeed a spirit. I wish I could say that bogeymen were spawned in some dark ritual carried out in a moonlit graveyard. Alas, that is not the case. Some might think that bogeymen are produced from untimely deaths and unspeakable psychological torment, but that is also a myth. Bogeymen are simply the departed souls of people who have been run over by ice-cream trucks.

There are two distinct types of bogeymen: the “in closet” variety and the “under the bed” variety. Both appear as robed figures with eyeballs at the ends of springs. The “under the bed” bogeyman has a slightly larger nose. The height of these apparitions is remarkably consistent; they are exactly 7ft 3.37892 in tall. Their presence is given away by a slight banana odor and the peculiar sound they make (think of rattling chains accompanying a dying accordion).

Contrary to popular belief, the natural habitat of bogeymen is not in one’s house. They reside in dark storm clouds. There has been much speculation as to whether or not any activity by them causes thunder and lightning. However, since the electric charge of bogeymen has not yet been determined, no theories in this branch of Bogeymanology can either be proved or disproved.

Do these supernatural beings eat? Yes. Through careful observation and experimentation is has been discovered that they consume great quantities of lint. An absence of lint in one’s home is conclusive proof of bogeyman activity. Their appetite for lint is so fierce that there have been documented cases of unfortunate individuals losing limbs due to a bogeyman feeding frenzy.

Another important factor to discuss is the time of year. At the winter solstice the bogeyman is at the height of his power, since that is the day with the least amount of light. Conversely, at the summer solstice, the bogeyman is at his weakest, since that is the longest day. The bogeyman’s calendar is punctuated by other events. Tax deadlines, the night before a wedding, job interview, or final exam are eagerly anticipated by bogeymen. To them, these events are akin to the Master’s PGA Golf Tournament (I can almost hear a soft, cultured voice giving a play-by-play through the night).

Of course, the sole reason why these spirits exist is to frighten people. They do not simply commit random acts of nocturnal terror, however. They have numerous codes, regulations, and laws that govern their behavior. Almost every aspect of their behavior is regulated, from how loudly they can scream “boo!” to the minimum distance they must be from their victim. The closet space as well as the space under the bed is governed by several dozen zoning laws and positioning oneself can be quite a cumbersome and complicated task. To keep their techniques fresh they hold annual conventions to discuss the latest in horror inducing moves and gestures. Where these conventions are held is still a hotly debated topic; some believe they are held in landfills while others believe that sewers play host to these gruesome festivities.

One of the interesting discoveries in the last year is that all work and no play make even a bogeyman a dull boy. “In closet” bogeymen have been observed vacationing in spinning dryers while their “under the bed” cousins prefer to relax in toasters. The length of these retreats seems to depend on the amount of recent activity.

So, given all we have discovered, are there any techniques one can use to defend against a bogeyman? Yes, there is hope of defeating even the most determined bogeyman. If you can imitate the sound of an ice cream truck that will always scare them away. To prevent a night time visitation in the first place, put objects beginning with the letter “x” and ending with the letter “q” in your closet or under your bed.

At this point, you might be wondering how to enter this new, exciting field of science. I was invited by a friend of mine who had recently renounced his medications. I spent many sleepless nights under my bed and in my closet. After much painstaking, dangerous research, I was awarded my degree in advanced Bogeymanology by my imaginary friend. So, if you are willing to make the sacrifices, take the risks, and have an imaginary friend, you too can be a part of a dynamic, fascinating branch of human knowledge.

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About the author: I am a 42 year old dreamer who was born in Buffalo, NY. During those 42 years I have earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from The State University of New York at Buffalo (UB) and a Master’s Degree in Social Work from Syracuse University. I currently spend my days working for Uncle Sam.

Further reading:

If you are interested in seeing what else my mind is capable of, you can visit me at www.scribid.com. I have two books of poetry, “Play-Doh from Heaven” and “They Came to My Door” awaiting you there. I also have several short stories that are sitting on that web site, daring you to read them.

Email Benjamin: princexaven@gmail.com

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