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Apr. 19, 2011 I was invited to submit an article to Useless Knowledge Magazine. The rules for submission seemed simple enough: 1. I can pick the topic and 2. Articles must be at least 500 words. However, I started contemplating the task before me. First of all, I did not know my audience. If I was writing for the Honolulu Knitting Club, a thorough discussion of the molecular structure of Boron-Halide compounds would probably do the trick. Conversely, if my audience was the Chemistry Department of Cornell University, a discussion of the latest needlepoint techniques would probably constitute useless knowledge. The more I thought, the more daunting the challenge became. In order to succeed, I would have to eliminate discussions related to science, religion, philosophy, culture, entertainment, and life in general. What would that leave me? Ahhhhh…….that would leave the realm of the imaginary – a place I spend far too much time in. So, the following is useless knowledge for it is outside the realm of reality. In the year 2,457 our planet will be empty of life. We will have finally died off, either due to intentional violence, or simple neglect of our environment. This I do believe qualifies as truly useless knowledge since it probably won’t happen and if it does, you won’t be around to do anything about it. Furthermore, our planet will be visited by giant sea slugs (I mean really big – over 500 feet long). They will crawl about our former home, wondering what made those odd, precise rock formations. They will poke those tiny metal objects and wonder what kind of creature would excrete something so hard – yet so colorful. They will gaze in awe at the riverbeds that have lines on them and wonder why many seem to branch off in neat right angles. They will then enter a great debate about what their next step should be. Should they remove some of these fascinating samples to their giant ships (which would resemble water drops the size of Texas)? Or should they leave the planet be? What kinds of exploratory techniques would fall within their totally alien scruples? If they did procure some kind of useful knowledge from poking and prodding our planet, who should have access to their findings? But what will happen next will be the most distressing for my audience, for they will desperately want to help in some way, but will be totally helpless. The alien sea slugs will notice something on the moon – something quite interesting. A handful of visionary human beings will have stored a genetic and cryogenic time capsule deep underneath the moon’s cratered skin. They will eventually discover human embryos and grow them into human beings. Unfortunately for those ill-fated people, the aliens will simply view them as advanced sentient organic technology. These humans will be improved upon in various ways that might seem bizarre to us, but it will simply be tinkering with toys to the aliens. So after dying off, humanity will be reborn and reshaped into an alien life form. These new beings will walk upon an alien planet called earth, not realizing it is the home of their ancestors.
So, I hope that you find this knowledge utterly useless. If you were entertained, then it was useful. In that case, I have failed.
Further reading:
If you are interested in seeing what else my mind is capable of, you can visit me at www.scribid.com. I have two books of poetry, “Play-Doh from Heaven” and “They Came to My Door” awaiting you there. I also have several short stories that are sitting on that web site, daring you to read them.
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