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June 12, 2010 Since I heard about the separation of Al and Tipper Gore last week, I have been distraught. I know that marriages are fleeting, but somehow I had in my mind that their story would be different—you know, more like mine. Yes, they have been married a little over 40 years and I will be married 45 years in January. Funny thing is that my husband looks so much like Al Gore that people comment frequently. And, we too have been married most of our lives. In fact, I think that we even married younger than the Gores as we were just about 20 years old when we tied in the knot. Lawyers today are remarking about the growing segment of divorce affecting marriages of 30-40 years more than any other category. At one time, we figured that if a couple made it to a decade, the rest would be smooth sailing. The awkwardness and differences would be ironed out and soon you might even get to “look” like each other. So what happened to this sure thing? Seems as though marriage was not meant for longevity. People died in their middle age so a marriage didn’t have to endure quite so long. We relished hearing from old folks who could tell us the secrets behind their long marriages—now we long for secrets of long life more. Young and old, it appears, are in the “me” generation and after years of marriage, a partner wants to have “their” time. A time to fly to new heights and gain new independence. Independence is a far cry from the life I’ve had. After all, I got married before I ever lived outside my parent’s home. I always wanted to attend college and live on campus, but the cards were never dealt that way for me. I met my husband one year into my junior college and we got married the next year. I figured that it was more important for him (the breadwinner someday) to get an education and I would work and support the family. That plan didn’t last too long because after a year of marriage, we became parents and hubby had to work full time and finish college in the evenings. Tipper and Al never experienced those kinds of issues, but they had other significant experiences such as the serious accident of their son and of course, Al’s political career. Tipper and I did share one other thing though…..we both had to deal with depression. Depression has a way of changing a person forever. If you are fortunate as Tipper and I were, you get help, proper meds, and become a stronger person leaving the depression as you were when you entered it. Perhaps, that strength causes irreparable changes to a marriage whereby the wife is no longer the needy person she once was. When Tipper and Al kissed passionately at the 2000 National Convention, all eyes were on them and married couples everywhere wanted to be just like them. I could relate to their passion as public display of affection never bothered my husband and me and we would engage it in regularly. Ten years later, the Gore’s passion must have escaped through a small crack in the window or an open door and we will never know the reason how or why. What sociologists do know is that even adult children can cause strain in a marriage, old or young. This week we heard that one of the Gore’s daughters is now separated from her husband. Another daughter was already divorced. I have a son who is now estranged from me and another one that is closer with my husband than I am. I will frankly admit that these relationships with our sons cause stress and jealousy within our marriage. Yes, one can even be jealous when a child is “closer” to one parent than the other. A parent can often blame the other for issues with children. People do grow up and couples can grow apart. What keeps a couple engaged in each other and excited about life is a mystery. However, I feel that it must have something to do with marriages that endure a lifetime. I will be the first to admit that I believe that I have changed much more than my husband has through the last 44 years. Not only weight and hair colors, but in my view of life and what I can bring to it. I did manage to complete college and grad school and became the main breadwinner. Nonetheless, I do not want to end my life as a bystander watching a parade go merrily past me; I want to be in the parade standing in one of those open cars waving to the crowds. I want people to know me and know that I contributed something of myself to others. My husband would be content watching the parade on TV. Even though the public is waiting for the next announcement that Al Gore has a girlfriend and many say that a man, in particular, only tosses away an old marriage to go to the waiting arms of another woman, I am not so sure this time. Oh yeah, we know Al purchased a mansion on a beach somewhere and who wants to live there alone? But in our hearts, we are hoping that this couple is different.
I too am hoping that my longstanding marriage will have a different fate—a different ending. Can those of us who have outgrown a relationship still find excitement and optimism about our future? Can one partner guide the relationship into a new phase to be joined by the other down the road? These are just a few of the truly important questions that I am asking myself now. I only hope that Al and Tipper have asked themselves the same questions before throwing in the towel.
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