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July 31, 2010 NOTE: Tongue planted firmly in cheek, folks… Far more addictive than sugar, nicotine or crack, coitus could very well be the most addictive and deadliest thing known to man. The mere promise of it has ended political careers, started wars, been the basis of numerous songs and movies, and has driven men to murder and suicide. Not even Kryptonite could weaken Superman as rapidly or effectively. For confirmation ask Lois Lane . So today, Professor Bimmykins is going to teach you about the five stages of becoming “whupped.” You know what I mean: when a man goes from being a straight-up horn dog to a mindless, lovestruck automaton who is more predictable than a jack-in-the-box. Rarely will you run across someone more pitiful than a man who literally “can’t get enough of your love (Babe).” We all know men like this, and I don’t mean stalkers, whose mantra is, “If I can’t have you, nobody can.” That’s not really being whupped. That’s crossing the line into full-fledged insanity. Whupped is an inescapable circle, a condition that lingers for years and the effects are emotionally debilitating. SP let’s begin our exploration of this phenomenon, beginning with… WHUPPED STAGE ONE: THE ‘TOO-GOOD TO BE TRUE’ STAGE Whuppedness (or vaginitis addictus foreverum) usually strikes men in their early to mid-twenties. Joe meets Joan. He’s a Virgo, her sign is Gemini. There is an immediate mutual attraction: He’s willing to buy drinks and she doesn’t want to spend her own money to get a buzz going. He thinks if he can get her drunk, he can get her in the bed. She thinks if he gets her drunk and they do sleep together, she has an excuse so that her friends won’t think she’s a skank. This is a ritual as old as alcohol itself. They have a successful first date, ending in a kiss and an embrace at her front door. She agrees to join him again the following weekend for dinner and a movie. Again, they have a good time and decide they want to see each other again. Things progress steadily and on the fourth date they do the deed. In exchange for that mind-blowing experience, the following day Joe pays her utility bill and buys her a new sweater. As they lie in bed and chat, Joan learns that he is “Everything [she’s] been looking for.” She doesn’t tell him that what she really means is that she is attracted by his having a good job, pretty good looks, a nice car and some ambition. By the same token, Joan is everything Joe wants: She has bigger then B-cup breasts, a reasonable number of teeth, and if he’s lucky, she can cook and has a nice enough derriere to get a “thumbs up” from his friends. She doesn’t have to be Halle Berry ; she just has to be. WHUPPED STAGE TWO: PREENING, PRESENTING, PUTTING OUT After several weeks of dining, dancing and “doing it,” Joan and Joe decide to move in together. He doesn’t care that she’s one of those chicks with five kids by twelve different daddies. (See MAURY POVICH SHOW for the definition of this phrase.) For the first-time in his life, Joe is enjoying meaningful female companionship on a regular basis. In the early days, she prepares the only meals she can with some modicum of skill: usually tacos, hamburgers, spaghetti-O’s or something straight out of a box. Joe, feeling the need to make her feel good about herself, tells her “Baby, you can boil the hell out of a hot link.” In the end his words will become prophetic. (See WHUPPED STAGE THREE) At this stage, the intercourse is so frequent that he literally becomes blind to her faults. She can ask him “How many beers in a six pack?” and he will consider it “such cute innocence.” She can misspell the word ‘He,’ and he will comfort her with, “Anybody could make that mistake.” At this stage, Joe finds himself paying most of her bills. Some men in this stage might even go shopping with their woman for matching outfits. She will start picking out his clothes for him, and if its something nice, he can only wear them when he’s with her. Then comes the “humdinger of a mistake moment.” He moves in with her, but before doing so, Joe gives away all of his furniture and even some of hers, because he’s going to buy all new things. Unbeknownst to him, Joan is working behind the scenes to chase away as many of his friends as possible, especially the female ones. She and her girlfriends (“the gaggle of gossips”) make a pact that she will be the only one sleeping with him and that the others’ interaction with im is limited to saying “Hello,” when he comes in from work. God forbid this fella should have a cell phone, because now he is no longer a boyfriend, but an errand boy. The woman calls him at all times of day and gets him to do her running around for her, even on those days when she knows he’s out kicking it with the fellas. She calls every seventeen minutes wanting to know where he is and what he and the boys are doing. She elicits details before telling him exactly how long he’s been gone. This is the set-up prior to her giving him a specific time to be home. Yep, a woman knows when she has a man whupped man and will sink her talons in him deeper, so that she can run the poor sap ragged. The key to this whole scenario is you have the hunter (the woman) and her prey (men like Joe.) Over time she will become cruel beyond description, belittling him as she pleases. And you thought a male black widow spider had it tough. WHUPPED STAGE THREE: STEPPING ON HER GAME The next thing these life-sucking ladies do their man (and now I’m using the word “ma” loosely) is become even more acerbic and angry. Every day is a PMS moment. It’s as if she has one period and it lasts 365 days. She becomes so incensed that she begins to hate herself for ever having become involved with someone so spineless. This is when the female begins to “act out.” She will sleep his best friends (notice I used the plural) and he’ll forgive her. This is when that “boil the hell out of a hotlink” prophecy comes to fruition, because she burns the one in his pants. Yep, she gives him an STD and somehow manages to make him feel guilty for confronting her about it. Oh yeah, ya boy is whupped down to the marrow. She’ll let another man (usually an ex, or a man she first claims is her cousin and later calls “just a good friend”) drive his car. Joe won’t say anything except, “Don’t let it happen again.” He is confused and worries that she might leave him. She complains that he never takes her anywhere, which is true because he usually has no money left after paying all of the bills. So he takes on a second job—not just for the money, but because it keeps his mind off the problems he has at home. Meanwhile, she stays at home watching the kids (and TV), but after he finishes his two shifts, he comes home to a messy house, no dinner cooked and his woman and four of her girlfriends are sucking down hot wings from KFC. By the way, at this stage, none of her friends speak to him upon entering. She has done one thing for him: Joan has washed his work clothes, but she also complains loud enough for her girlfriends to hear, about the numerous skidmarks in his underwear. Joe can only bow his head, grow quiet, slump his shoulders and go put and get drunk. If he’s not a drinker, then all he can do is drop in on one of the few friends he has left and serve up his tale of woe. He laments how she keeps bringing up the name of “some guy,” and he is under the impression that Joan is cheating on him. The thought of going to work leaves him full of dread because he is certain that his woman is at home having fun with the UPS guy or anyone else with a “package” to deliver. He doesn’t have the money or the nerve to call Joey Greico, so in lieu of begging her not to use on him any more, Joe continues his obeisance, all the while telling her that they need to “communicate more,” even if the only talking they do is her cussing him out and his trying to drown her out by turning up the TV. I will discuss the last two stages of whupped in my next article. ------------ About the author: Timothy N. Stelly is a poet, essayist, novelist and screenwriter from northern California. His novel, HUMAN TRIAL, is the first part of a sci-fi trilogy and is available from Amazon.com, allthingsthatmatterpress.com and in e-book format at mobipocket.com. HUMAN TRIAL II: ADAM'S WAR is now available. Stelly also has a short story included in the AIDS-themed anthology, THE SHATTERED GLASS EFFECT, due out in February 2010. His story, SNAKES IN THE GRASS, Is a tale of love, betrayal and its deadly consequences. Reviews of HUMAN TRIAL can be read at amazon.com Visit me at: http://www.myspace.com/pittwit website: http://www.stellyhumantrial.com Email: stellbread@yahoo.com 
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