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Dec. 12, 2010 I’ve wonder about the in-law relationship from my childhood when mother used to complain to my father about his mother’s intrusive behavior. My grandmother would always come to our house around dinner time and would go over to the stove and over the lid of pots so she could see what my mom was making for dinner. She didn’t ring the doorbell either; she just walked in as if our home was her own. My mother hated this behavior, but she never directly confronted my grandmother. She only whined about it to my dad who was a mommy’s boy and would never consider reprimanding his mother. Perhaps that is why I never had a warm and fuzzy relationship with this one and only grandmother either. I soon learned what it meant to be nosy and obviously she was. Brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law were no problem for my mother as everyone appeared to get along just fine. My mother also had nothing bad to say about her sons-in-law. After all, she was thrilled that as a Jewish mom, she married off all of her daughters. I found my husband as a young woman who was very naïve about the in-law phenomenon. I anticipated that the more family, the merrier. That was until I met my husband’s father and he scared the life out of me. He was a tall, mean looking man with a moustache. And, he was very gruff and cold. When my husband bought me an engagement ring and we went over to announce our engagement in his parent’s home, the reception was less than warm. True, we were young and my fiancé was still in college, but I am a nice person and we were obviously very happy and in love. My sisters-in-law, two of them, were quite a bit older than me. Both were married with their own families and could care less about our upcoming union. That’s when I first learned firsthand what the in-law relationship was all about. The estrangement of my fiancé’s family caused many an argument in our early years of marriage; only to heighten when we had our own children. My children and I soon became aware that a son’s children are definitely not on equal footing to a daughter’s children. My in-laws had a much closer relationship with their “other” grandkids even though we lived a few blocks away. They seldom visited our kids and when they did, they were very standoffish. Fortunately, we also lived near my folks so my children got the loving grandparent treatment from them on a regular basis. Somehow I imagined that when my two sons married, I would gain daughters that I sorely wanted. What was I thinking? Unless of course, my sons had married orphans perhaps! Well, they didn’t marry orphans and my fantasy of how a relationship would be with my son’s wives was just that…..a fantasy. From the start of my relationships with their wives, I was always myself, kind and very giving. In fact, it was me that told my oldest son that his wife should learn how to drive so she could become more independent and it was me who found her a car and loaned them the money to buy it. Looking back, this daughter-in-law would have never climbed the corporate ladder as she has without knowing how to drive. Yes, I am a Jewish mother and have made several mistakes along the way with my daughters-in-law, not the least of which was having a close relationship with my sons. They could talk to me about anything when they were young and single and they did—even when I was too tired at midnight to listen. I’ve read so many books on relationships period and yet I still can’t figure out why in over 10 years, not one of my daughters-in-laws have ever called me. So much for the close relationship I dreamt of, right? It’s funny too because other people find me very easy to talk to and even strangers often ask for my advice. Giving is also something I adore so even with the cold shoulder I get from my DILs, I still never forget a birthday, anniversary, or just a thoughtful gesture in the form of a gift. Oftentimes, I never even get a thank you, but I continue to give anyway because it brings me pleasure. Ditto for the two beautiful grandchildren that one son and DIL so kindly gave me and then moved them to the other side of the country. Now, I really have to make an appointment to see my grandkids and it’s not a pretty situation.
If someone, anyone, could help me understand the in-law relationship I would be so grateful. I’ve always said that if I ever went back to get my Ph.D., my thesis would be on this topic and I would survey thousands of in-laws of all types. I happened to see a blog on in-laws on the internet and the comments by DIL’s about their MIL’s was shocking. The opposite was not quite so prevalent. As one comic used to say, “Can everyone just get along?” I’d be grateful for a handshake.
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