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Aug. 19, 2010 Okay, this is definitely beating the hell out of a dead horse, but for those who live in a fantasy world that trumpets the notion that there is equal justice under the law, you are, simply out, living with a force field around your head that repels all logical thought. This is not a rehashing of the disparity between white and black defendants. This is a straight forward look at how jerks like Mel Gibson and scofflaws like Lindsay Lohan are able to run a student-body-left around star-struck judges and prosecutors. We are aware of Ms. Lohan’s travails. Her dim-witted daddy is on TV every other day talking about how troubled she is and how her mother failed her. Fact of the matter is, both her parents are partly to blame for their daughter’s distorted view of the adult world. The bulk of the blame, however, lies with Ms. Lohan and her insatiable desire for alcohol and drugs. At this stage in her life, she makes Britney Spears look like Mother Theresa. Drunken driving conviction, several instances in which she failed to appear in court, violation of court-ordered drug treatment, instances of public drunkenness, fights, accusations of theft and so on. Ms. Lohan’s fading celebrity nonetheless allows her (and others such as Brandy Norwood and Paris Hilton) to routinely thumb their noses at pacifist judges who think that even a slap on the wrist constitutes aggravated assault. The Judge presiding over Lohan’s “sentencing” was literally told “f--- you,” but cut the crocodile tear shedding miscreant far more slack than she deserved. Had she been Heidi McNobody from Kalamazoo or Debbie Pofolk from Pittsburg , she would have been put away faster than you can say “puff-puff-give.” Lohan received 90 days, in which she served TEN….That’s right, 1/9 of her sentence. Moreover, she was in protective custody. This was the equivalent of a week-long stay at Motel Six without the room service. With lickspittle magistrates unwilling to hand down a sentence that just might aid in Ms. Lohan’s rehabilitation—or if nothing else, get the poor-driving prima donna from behind the wheel of a car for a few months—we see sentences that the average person could literally do standing on her head. Mel Gibson is a whole different animal. Not only is he an arrogant drunk, but most people loathe him. Whether he actually hit his wife or not, he’s a the kind of jerk that can only be made in America . Over the past decade and a half, we have seen the rise of some legendary a-holes. But before I go any further, let me tell you how I define the term: “A weasely or creepy man who pilfers, threatens, makes a boneheaded, racist or sexist comment, or commits a heinous act, under cover of darkness, who is later exposed (deservedly so) to much public ridicule.” : O.J. Simpson is their undisputed King. Hard, if not impossible, to top him, the double murdering, road rageaholic, 70-year-old man ass-kicking author of a book titled If I Did It (which should have been titled Okay, Here’s What Happened…). On top of that, he’s an incompetent thug who botched a planned armed robbery that even the would have brought the Beagle Boys to their knees in mirth. There are some others of note, though certainly not in O.J.’s class: Cleveland Cavaliers owner “Massa Dan” Gilbert, who blew his top after losing star player Lebron James. I’m surprised he didn’t send hounds after Lebron and than hack off his foot. He criticized James as a “quitter,” yet was willing to sign him to an eight-of-a billion dollars contract for six more years of servitude. Now THAT’S hypocrisy. Then there’s Robert J. Halderman (“The Letterman extortioinist”), Ben Roethlisberger (who makes Joe Namath’s clumsy, on-air pass at a sports reporter sound Shakespearean), Jesse Jackson (referring to Obama as a “n----r” and threatening to cut off his balls, kid out of wedlock, etc.), Howard Stern (the one who represented Anna Nicole Smith), and the clown prince of a-holedom, Jon Gosselin, simply for being Jon Gosselin. I know what you’re thinking. Where’s Tiger “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love” Woods? He doesn’t make the list because he didn’t do anything that 50% of married men haven’t done. And some may wonder why the right wing males of Fox News didn’t make the cut. They don’t qualify because they do their dirt in the open. But never has someone leapfrogged from the category of good-natured, All-American guy to major league niitwit with such aplomb and commitment as Mel Gibson. He passed Roethlisberger, et al and is running neck and neck with Jesse for second place. Never has one worn his a-holishness so proudly, like Idi Amin sporting his military medals at a public beheading. In 2006, Gibson was pulled over for suspicion of drunk driving. During a alcohol-fueled diatribe he asked a female police officer, “What do you think you’re doing, sugar tits,” and according to TMZ, “Once inside the [police] car, a source directly connected with the case says Gibson began banging himself against the seat. The report says Gibson told the deputy, ‘You mother-----r. I'm going to f--- you.’ The report also says ‘Gibson almost continually [sic] threatened me saying he “owns Malibu ” and will spend all of his money to 'get even' with me.’” Gibson also was alleged to have uttered the phrase, “F----g Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” before asking the officer if he was Jewish. Gibson’s father was one of those people who denied that the holocaust ever happened, so you see that the worm-filled apple didn’t fall too far from the sap-laden tree. Goony Gibby chalked it all up to drunkenness, went into rehab and came out with his career looking fit and trim. He made a few TV appearances apologizing, and even met with some Jewish leaders to explain his remarks and his perception of them. Meanwhile, his film The Passion of the Christ went on to box-office and critical success. Everything was once again peachy keen for Swell Mel. But then His Majesty of Malibu mucked up again. This time he allegedly threatened his ex-girlfriend/baby mama, who taped the beef. This came after Gibson was said to have hit her and broke two of her teeth. The woman admits that the voice on the tape is hers, and the other voice, of a man, does indeed sound like Mount St. Helens Mel. After the woman states that Gibson will answer for what he has done to her, the voice on the tape responds a la cartoon character Beavis/Cornholio: “What, what are you threatening me?" When the woman says no, the man adds, “I'll threaten. I'll put you in the f-----g rose garden," and later he tacks on, “You got what you f-----g deserved." In an earlier segment released by the woman, a man assumed to be Gibson was heard ridiculing her for her false breasts, and called her a word that rhymes with “punt.” He also said that she looked like, “…a f-----g b---h in heat and if you get raped by a pack of n-----s it will be your fault." Does this woman have some scrum-dilly-umptious sex or what? (See my article On Men, Women and Being “Whupped”) Because this sounds like the ramblings of a man so beatdown by booty that he doesn’t know his tongue from his tallywhacker. So what if she has fake breasts? I assume that they’re better than the original set, and if not and Mel paid for them, the dumb bastard should have asked for a refund. What kind of insult is that? That’s like an angry woman shouting, “That’s why I hate you! Your member is too big!” Wait…wait. Listen….what is that flushing sound? Mr. Gibson’s turd of a career going down…down…down…the toilet. Yes, maybe Mel will answer for his misdeeds. Maybe blacks, Jews and women will stop going to his films and won’t buy any of his works that come out on DVD. Maybe he’ll even go to prison and he’ll be the one getting raped by a bunch of n’s, many of them buffed-up to the bursting point and dragging along their tools like they’re unruly children. Mel and Lindsay: Two people who have gotten away with two much and who need the swift kick in the derriere that the system of justice seems incapable of meting out. For now, O.J. still reigns, but one more Melsy meltdown and we could see the a-holes crowning a new ruler. Pardon the pun, but don’t rule it out. Check your TV and movie listings to see who will be added to any future lists. ------------ About the author: Timothy N. Stelly is a poet, essayist, novelist and screenwriter from northern California. His novel, HUMAN TRIAL, is the first part of a sci-fi trilogy and is available from Amazon.com, allthingsthatmatterpress.com and in e-book format at mobipocket.com. HUMAN TRIAL II: ADAM'S WAR is now available. Stelly also has a short story included in the AIDS-themed anthology, THE SHATTERED GLASS EFFECT, due out in February 2010. His story, SNAKES IN THE GRASS, Is a tale of love, betrayal and its deadly consequences. Reviews of HUMAN TRIAL can be read at amazon.com Visit me at: http://www.myspace.com/pittwit website: http://www.stellyhumantrial.com Email: stellbread@yahoo.com 
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