Perhaps all this time you thought the problem was your spouse, but I’m about to break the news to you that the problem is you. While it sounds harsh, if you’re determined to find joy in your marriage, please be open to what I’m about to say—no matter how brutally honest the words may sound.

My first point goes out to all of the unfulfilled people with children. If you think life is all about finding fulfillment, you are acting selfish. Since when was life all about you? If you’re stuck in a cycle of reckless or hurtful behavior against your spouse because you are in a quest for fulfillment, you love yourself more than you love your child or anyone else. And selfishness is the first step of a spiral downward. Until you are willing to stop making yourself your own idol, you will not overcome this problem. And if you don't overcome this problem, your children will suffer the most. So for your children’s sake, let’s take that first step toward overcoming unfulfillment: admit your pride.

If you really want to get out of the pit you’re in, you need to make some changes. But if you don’t want to get out of it, then unfortunately you’ll just have to deal with the consequences when they come. So the following steps will help change you first in your heart, which will then transform into your actions. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life (Proverbs 4:23).

Step one, you must accept that YOU have a problem. The problem is not your spouse; it’s you. Your lack of happiness is YOUR choice, not your spouse’s. So you have to come to terms with you being the problem; the circumstances are not the problem.

Step two, you must agree that only God can deliver you from the problem. If you don’t believe in God, you’ll be relying on your own strength. But essentially that’s what you’ve been doing all along and it hasn’t worked out so well, has it? So how about give God a chance to prove Himself.

Step three, you must admit you are powerless. I think we’ve covered that one enough.

Step four, you must believe a power greater than yourself can restore you. Again, God at work!

Step five, you must make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God. Counseling and medication can be helpful, but ultimately YOU are the problem and GOD is the power and solution.

If you make a heartfelt decision to turn your will and life over to God, you must make steps to ensure change happens. If you don't think you can control your actions, you should confide in your spouse that you have a problem and ask him to keep you accountable. This doesn’t necessarily mean telling your spouse about your indiscretions, but it does mean coming to terms with the root problem. You are unfulfilled and you’re tempted to act on it. You want to stop, and you need your spouse’s help. One way to keep yourself accountable is to have your spouse check your e-mail periodically and your phone calls—this will force you to keep yourself in check.

Another method for change is to surrender your desire for “fulfillment” to God. Instead of expecting your spouse to change, you must change your expectations of your spouse. You must CHOOSE to be happy even when the circumstances are not ideal.

Finally, but most importantly, you must pursue deeper fellowship with God, for only God can fill the holes in your heart. Pray, cry out to God, read Scripture, and do it for YOU, for YOUR growth, not for your spouse's growth. It's up to you to change YOUR heart. Get the plank out of your own eye before you try removing the splinter from your spouse's (see Matthew 7:4-5). So, let’s get working on that plank, and join the ranks of other couples who have found joy in their marriages.

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About the author: Pamela Guerrieri came to terms with her addiction to writing when she received and filled the pages of her first journal at the tender age of eight. Her eagerness to write was furthered when she won several local awards for poetry and short stories. One of her closest companions was her rhyming dictionary, which she still keeps close at hand.

As an editor and writer, Pamela enjoys editing works by first-time authors and has been a panel judge for several prominent literary awards, including the RWA, ECPA Book of the Year Awards, and Christy Awards. Though her work at Proofed to Perfection Editing Services consumes most of her day, Pamela always finds time to play with her Arabian horse. She enjoys traveling, talking to strangers (despite those childhood warnings), and Tae Kwan Do.

E-mail: inquiries@proofedtoperfection.com

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