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Sept. 12, 2008 Many of you know me now thanks to the two opposing
party candidates that I am running against. It's true that I am coming into this
race at the last minute, but; there's always room for a good all-American pig in
any election.
First, let me give you a little background
information about exactly who I am and what I represent. I have been made famous
throughout the years thanks to great Americans (?) such as Walt Disney and
even within mainstream religious organizations.
You may know me as "Porky" or "Petunia" (she's the
one with the lipstick), or you may have heard me scorned as "traif" which is a
Yiddish word that some Jews call me and indicates that I am unclean. Some
Muslims actually refer to eating my flesh as a "hate crime". I am very grateful
to those who feel this way as it helps to keep my species alive and
well!!
Now, I have become a major talking point for the
two current candidates for the American Presidency. Wow, I have really
arrived!!
What I resent is that these individuals assume that
my kind and I would even consider wearing lipstick on a regular basis. One of
our main pastimes is rooting around in mud and garbage for sustenance and we
certainly do not need to wear lipstick in order to keep our families fed. Only
humans feel the need to spend an exorbitant amount of money on a waxy substance
that smears all over the place and which they believe will turn them into
something that they are not.
We have a saying in the pig community, "You
can put lipstick on a human but it will STILL be a human".
Speaking of humans, they are really annoying to the
pig species. They call us "the other white meat"; as if we needed a title to
make us seem less inferior to chicken. Compared to other meats we are far
superior since we do not feel the need to run around telling everyone that we
taste like chicken. We do not taste like chicken and we are proud of
it!!
As a member of the porcine family I can offer you
something that the other candidates cannot. I can offer you honesty and I will
never pretend to be something that I am not. I will not lower your taxes, nor
will I stop wars. I may discover oil because with all of the digging going on
one never knows what may come up.
I stand before you, my snout unfettered by any
artificial coloring and I ask you to vote for me for the Presidency. I don't
even need a running mate because they are simply attack dogs and pigs and dogs
aren't necessarily compatible.
I promise not to make fun of my fellow pigs or my
farm neighbors, the chicken or the cow, who, by the way, do not wear lipstick
either. We are all what we are and although some are more attractive than
others, do not make a big deal out of it or cause that fact to divert us from
the important issues at hand.
What do I promise you? Well, I will make sure that
every single American has at least one muddy pen in their yard that is mortgage
and tax free. I promise you that I will help you look for alternative food
sources (anything or anyone other than a pig) and I will make sure that all of
your children are well schooled in pigdom. If they got along as well as we do
and required as little expensive clothing you would all be richer and better
off.
Vote for me...the pig, and keep lipstick on humans.
I guarantee that we will all be better off. Even global warming will be
abolished due to the fact that there will be no more human politicians or media
mavens polluting the atmosphere with so much hot air.
Pigs rule.
------------ About the author: Meri has a Medical/Legal background and is a former forensic researcher specializing in psychological profiling. Visit the Xlibris Bookstore! Email: writers2@cox.net Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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