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 By John Sammon Aug. 17, 2008 You do it every day in the same exact way, and isn't that just BORING BORING BORING? We're living in a space age, so why can't we find a way to relieve ourselves of a boring and disgusting chore centuries old? Okay, it's way past due. We've had huge leaps of technology in space, in human cloning, in fuel efficient cars, in
green-friendly recycling, brain fingerprinting (whatever that is), tiny micro chips implanted on your dog so you can tell where he is, and everything else. So why not the stinkin' toilet? Same old thing. Basically, the same design your grandfather used. Same white bowl, same dirty spots, same latch, same flush. Why no change? We can do better than this. C'mon! The toilet has remained unchanged for about the past hundred years. We can come up with new ways of disposing of processed food, or "crap." Here are some possible futuristic ideas. The new "Vacuum Jet" toilet inhales a powerful jet of air to your backside and literally sucks out whatever you have in your intestine saving you the trouble of having to force it out the old-fashioned way. Think of it. New designer toilets. We specialize everything today in a vain attempt to call attention to ourselves, from personalized license plates on our cars, to stickers that read, "My son is an honor student." But not toilets. Everybody has a toilet that looks the same. Why? For instance, you could have a specially made toilet that has a picture in the bottom of the bowl with a politician you don't like, with a huge gaping mouth ready to accept your processed food. You know, some no-good lying cheating b@stard in the government. Every day you could get him to eat your you-know-what. And you'd feel better about yourself and the world having him (or her) eat it. The new piston-style scrubber toilet. This would send up a powerful scrub brush to really let your lower extremity have it. Scrub it out of there with powerful strokes. Ream it out. Oooh! What a way to wake up on Monday morning just before you have your coffee. You could have four settings, "Easy does it, Medium, Hard, or Give it to Me Big-time." Wow! There's potential here for a
new cottage industry. What about having to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? What a pain in the ass (pardon the pun) that is. True, when piped water was brought into homes last century, you no longer had to exit the house and use a privy (an outhouse), some little wooden shack with a half moon symbol and a stinking hole in the ground. Instead, you walked to a specially designed room attached to the house (bathroom) for the purpose. But you still had to get up out of bed. You still do. The new Sideswipe Mucho Vac. A large plastic tube attached to the wall that operates as a vacuum cleaner. You simply slide to the edge of the bed, bear your ass (pull down your
pajamas), hook up the tube and flip a switch. A powerful roiling jet of blue liquid sucks everything out of you--silently. Self cleaning. Self contained. You hang it up like you currently do your phone and nod back off to sleep. No walking down dark halls. No muss. No fuss. See? There's a whole future industry yet to be explored, just waiting to deal with what you leave behind. There are much more creative ways to avoid being full of sh..'t.
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