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May 17, 2007 Stone Mountain rises out of the surrounding Georgia hill
country like a giant bald head, gray as the alien skin of a Martian imagined in
some hokie Sci-Fi movie. The solid mountain of granite is out of place,
the rest of the area southeast of Atlanta is a green of tulip trees, magnolias,
oaks, and pines. But here, seen from a distance, is a sight as different
as the lifeless surface of the moon. This wonder of nature is a protected
state park, and a tourist trap dangerous to the wallet. We went there this
past weekend and were impressed with the view though I felt a little jobbed
after paying three dollars and twenty one cents for a pint of
lemonade.
The attractions pass was twenty-four dollars per person and
with it we had access to kiddie playgrounds, trolley rides to the top of the
mountain, paddle boat and peddle boat rides on Stone Mountain Lake, and an
antebellum mansion. I wanted to steal the food inside the latter and burn
it down. It costs eight dollars just to park inside the park which I guess
isn't so bad. I recomend skipping the attractions. Once inside the
park, tourists can see the mountain all they want and can even walk the trail to
the top of it.
There are plenty of picnic areas in the shade, but the food
options in the park are limited. They've got five dollar hot dogs and
Philly cheese steaks. We went to Mrs. Katie's Restaurant which was supposedly
Southern cooking, but wasn't particularly authentic. The waitresses wore
old-fashioned dresses and literally toss yeast rolls to patrons. The cooks
fry everything including sweet potatoes, onion rings, and dill pickles.
The fried food is brought out as an obligatory dish of appetizers. The
food was fair, but at least their meals were moderately priced.
A string of tourist trap souvenir shops ring the base of the
mountain and obstruct the view. The base of the mountain can only be
viewed from the commons area--a long sloping lawn, large enough to hold a few
thousand people; and this is where they hold their famous laser show--a form of
torture that puts anything the guards did at Abu Ghraib to shame. While
the sun sets, bad music (think the worst of progressive rock mixed with country
pop) is played loud enough to cause hearing damage. Some Confederate
heroes, Stonewall Jackson and a couple of other losers, are carved in relief on
this part of the mountain. Lasers strike this spot during the show, making
animated cartoonish figures in time with the miserable music and colored
flashlights and fireworks. The show has corporate sponsors so the audience
is subjected to laser advertisements. Rousing patriotic music is also
played, but Georgia State parks prohibit alcoholic beverages, so while Lynyrd
Skynyrd sings about how great freedom supposedly is in this country, I wasn't
even free enough to drink beer at an outdoor show. I was mad enough to
spit, and I did when they played "Rocky Top."
I enjoyed the hike up the mountain the next morning.
It's a mile and a half up the granite path to the top. Though the mountain
looks denuded from afar, there's a lot more vegetation up close--mostly bent
over pines and grape vines. The breeze was brisk at the top and the view
spectacular. The expanse of woods around the park is surprising, and in
the distance I could see the tall skyscrapers of Atlanta, civilization in the
mist of a morning fog. And at the top, at the end of the vigorous walk,
they had a shop that sold cold drinks for...three dollars and twenty-one
cents.
------------ About the author Mark Gelbart: My book, Talk Radio, is a black comedy about a radio talk show host who gets kidnapped and psychologically tortured by a loser. http://www.authorsden.com/marksgelbart Email: agelbart@aol.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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