Her name was Dianne Lavelle.

For years I had been trying to get a date with her. I went Sacramento State and she attended the University of California at Davis.
Dianne Lavelle was a goddess. I was a dreamer. Sometimes even dreamers get lucky.

Somehow, I found a way to persuade her to visit me for a platonic weekend. In Alumni Grove at dusk on Sunday she said in a moment of goddess weakness, "I could possibly see us together someday, too." Reliving Dustin Hoffman in, "The Graduate" I thought, "You mean you might marry me?" I couldn't sleep for two days. It was time to make my move. My goddess was waiting for me.

I jumped in my car and headed west on I-80 humming, "Scarborough Fair" and chanting, "Faint heart never won fair maiden." That same heart of mine was pounding as I arrived at her dorm and wet my index finger to align my eyebrows. I wanted to look perfect for...

...the athletic, good-looking guy who opened her door.

His name was Ted. Where was Scottie when I needed him most? Ted smirked down at me and yelled, "Dianne, there's some guy here to see you." She was tutoring a jock? My daring bit of illogic dissipated when I saw her facial expression. She was Father Damien. I was leprosy. "What are you doing HERE!" she said coldly. "Oh, I was in your area and I thought I would say hi!" I bluffed. She forced a smile, "It's a twenty minute drive. You're always in my area. What do you want?" My mind quickly raced as I cooly responded back, "Uh...."

I felt like a helicopter during a President Carter hostage rescue plan.

She moved in for the kill. "If you were a real man you would tell me, "Tell Ted to leave, get your coat, we are getting something to eat and that's the way it is!" Then, she smiled at me with those brown eyes of hers. I confidently smiled back at her.

Without hesitation I stated, "Tell Ted to leave, get your coat, we are getting something to eat and that's the way it is!" Mission accomplished.

She smiled back and sweetly said, "No."

"N-o-o?" I stuttered. "But, that's what you told me to say!"

She laughed. It is that laugh a woman uses when she is right and the man is wrong and she knows it. I hate that laugh. I hated what she said next even more. "That's the point.. I had to TELL you what to say!" Good night, Patrick. Drive safely." With that, she gently shut the door and I never saw her again.

That was the day I realized that I would never understand a woman.

Ever.

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