I'm proud to announce that I'm no longer an atheist! I've been saved and cured – I'm heaven bound! I've discovered that the curse of atheism is tied to knowledge. Growing up reading Sci-Fi, I also became interested in just Sci. Books about dinosaurs and multi-million year old fossils just didn't square with Sunday school's 6,000 or 10,000 year old jive – but, that's all in the past.

I underwent a new treatment, a type of selective brain surgery. First I was partially put under. I could feel no pain but I was awake. My skull was sliced open and probes were inserted into select regions of my gray matter. After a rather long Q&A, the doctors had established fairly well which areas of my brain stored which pieces of information, as well as which clump dealt most with logic.

The blood supply to those parts was cut. Alas, it seems there is as of yet no proven way to erase learned memories, so I do suffer from a few residual side effects. I find the idea of being spit on by Elk attractive and titillating, for example, and I perceive the color green as cheap canned meats, like spam and corned beef.

The good news is that many of the theist arguments against science and rational thinking now make sense to me! I mean, of course! How could we evolve from monkeys? Monkeys are still here! And, SOMETHING had to make the universe, right? That something is obviously God! We know that nothing made God because God himself said so in the Bible – these things are SO obvious to me now. Gosh darn do I like Elk...

I've kept my notes from my atheist days and, comparing what I now know to what I thought I knew then is quite funny. For example, it seems that I used to believe that humans didn't evolve from monkeys at all, that humans are apes who, along with other apes, evolved from a common ancestor. Huh? Apes, monkeys – who cares? They're all the same to me now, hairy, smelly, animals. Elk are animals too.

And, there's something here about my grandma, I wrote this in my notepad, “We also came from our grandmothers, but many grandmothers are still here. Evolution isn't about one animal morphing into another.” Good Lord was I daft – my grandmother hasn't been alive for decades, she died when I was a baby! How could I ever have fallen for those arguments??

Besides, God loved me all along, therefore my lack of belief hurt his feelings, therefore, he existed and indeed, exists! Everyone knows that all-powerful, all-knowing beings can have their feelings hu...hmmm, Elk spit...I wonder what it feels like? Ignorance is bliss, and it's nice outside. Time to be blissful. I think I'll go outside barefoot and feel the nice soft Hormel corned beef grass between my toes. Ooh! How exciting – an Elk might come by. There aren't Elk within probably 1000 miles of here, but I'll bring some rope to catch one.

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In a similar vein, Google has two fabulous new products, just announced today, the first day of April. Seems they got so fat that they can afford to give out free broadband Internet service – high speed access for everyone! Read about it here:

http://www.google.com/tisp/install.html

Along with Google Mail, and Google everything else, they now actually have Google Paper – an amazing idea. Read about that at the link below, here's a short quip to get you interested, “It's paper, plain and easy. I sometimes find myself wondering: what will Google think of next? Cardboard?"

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/paper/more.html

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