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Mar. 23, 2007 Mark Gelbart, the noted novelist, economist and environmentalist from Augusta, Georgia, was arrested this morning in the local Wal-Mart Store for theft, which is still considered a criminal act in the sluggish social milieu of the Old South. It happened like this: Mark, rising early, though he had a free day, bade his wife toodle-oo as he started making his way to the door. "Mark, are you going to be anywhere near Wal-Mart? They have a sale there on these darling little bathrobes for $22.99. You think you could stop by and get one for me. They have olive, plum and cherry. I'd like plum, if they have it. Otherwise, anything will do." "Sure thing, honey, no sweat. I'll pick one up." "Oh, you're such a sweetie! Here, I'll give you $25 out of my allowance." "No, that's all right. I won't need any money." "You mean to say you're going to give it to me as a gift. What an angel!" Mark walks out the door, steps into his automobile and heads for Wal-Mart, saying to himself that he'll get that errand out of the way right away. Once in Wal-Mart, he mills around in the intimate apparel department until he sees the bathrobes on sale. The individual robes are not tagged, but they have bar-code labels instead. The price, $22.99, is posted on a sign above the rack. Mark looks around, but cannot find the plum robe. He sees a reddish robe that could be called 'cherry', folds it up nonchalantly, figuring that acting normal is the best way to proceed. He puts it in a Wal-Mart bag that he brought in with him, and starts towards the entrance. There are two doors, each provided with an electronic sensor, but a fat old lady is wedged in one of the doors with her shopping cart and a flock of plastic bags, so Mark heads for the other sensor just as some athletic man does the same. Mark bumps into the athlete. "Hey, Bud, watch where the hell you're going." "Oh, excuse me, I apologize." "Apologies don't cut it, Pal. When we get out to the parking lot, I'm gonna open up a can of ass-whipping on you." Just then, a squad car drives by, and Mark cries out, "Police! Police!" The patrol car stops. Two officers come over, and Mark says, "This man is making terroristic threats." "That was no threat, Pal, that was a promise," says the athletic man. "Listen, will you two break it up, before I run both your asses in. Superman, you walk this way. Moses, you walk that way. Comprende?" Mark starts towards his car with relief. Just then an assistant manager comes dashing out of the store and tells the officer that Mark just shoplifted a robe from a rack. "What's in the bag?" asks the officer. "It's a robe, but I didn't steal it. Here's the Wal-Mart bag." "Let's see the receipt." "I must have lost it somewhere." "C'mon, Moses, we're going down to the station." "But, officer, Wal-Mart doesn't press charges for items that cost less than $25. This robe is only $22.99." The manager chimes in, "Who says we don't press charges under $25? You think we just give this stuff away? Anyway that robe is $31.99." "It was on the $22.99 rack." "A customer must have replaced it on the wrong rack. Here, officer, let me go scan it." "Never mind. I'm running this goat in right now." "You can't do that, officer sir. I'm a novelist, an economist and an environmentalist. I'm a contributor at a noted website." "How much did you contribute?" "Oh, I didn't mean money. I contribute articles." "Man, you ain't no contributor, you're just a blogger, right? And what makes you think you can just come waltzing into Wal-Mart and boost a bunch of stuff." "I'm not boosting stuff. This is a form of social protest. Wal-Mart has slave camps in the Marianas?" "Marianas? You mean Marietta? There ain't no slave camps in Marietta. Come on, Buster, you're goin' bye-bye for a good long while." There's a tough new judge in the district, and he sets bond at $25,000. Poor Mark has only $3000 in the bank, so it looks as if he'll have to await trial in the jailhouse. ------------ About the author Thomas Keyes: I have written two books: A SOJOURN IN ASIA (non-fiction) and A TALE OF UNG (fiction), neither published so far. I have studied languages for years and traveled extensively on five continents. Email: udikeyes@yahoo.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com and are not allowed to be posted on other websites. ARTICLE THIEVES WILL BE PROSECUTED! |
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