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Mar. 15, 2007 By now, most of us have heard of the concept of "carbon offsets," whereby those who have a larger "carbon footprint" can essentially go to a worldwide market and purchase offsets which generate some action, such as tree planting, and therefore provide a theoretical carbon neutral impact to the environment. Global warming czar, Al Gore, himself has formed a company which serves just this purpose. As such, he stands to make multi-millions from global warming hysteria--be it a real or perceived problem. Just today, a radio report indicated that sales of carbon offsets have jumped from about $6 million a year or two ago to more than $100 million annually in the most recently completed year, an astounding increase to say the least. It seems the global warming issue has not just served to keep Al Gore relevant, but it also stands to make him some cool cash as well. Perhaps he can add some square footage to that Tennessee mansion of his; of course, he'd have to purchase some more offsets to keep the whole deal kosher. All of this talk of carbon neutrality and offsets got me thinking of ways I could capitalize on the phenomenon. I believe it's a little too late to jump on the carbon offset bandwagon as I'm sure Gore and his buddies have that particular area all sewed up. Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks dropped from an open window of one of Al Gore's private jets. Forget about carbon footprints, what about all of the people walking the earth who simply have too much of a lifestyle footprint which requires offsetting? Everybody has one thing or another, maybe many behaviors and circumstances, which really only serve to expand their overall lifestyle footprint. The guilt can be overwhelming and I believe there is an untapped market for offsets to this behavior so there is an overall net neutral lifestyle impact. As such, I am officially putting my hat in the ring to serve the public good. Think about it, how many people love to cruise along the freeway at rates of speed which are clearly beyond the speed limit, or the point of lifestyle neutrality. This is where I step into the fray. For the mere pittance of a small monthly fee, I will agree to drive below the speed limit an equal amount for each mph my client prefers to drive above it. Voila, we have speed limit (and lifestyle) neutrality. My client is then free to zip along his merry way, knowing full well his total lifestyle footprint has not changed one iota with the aid of my services. For a small finders fee, I'll find others who will agree to curtail their speed to offset the heavy-foot tendencies of other drivers, who are willing to pay for the offset. Similarly, I'm betting a lot of drivers prefer to turn right on red even when a posted sign clearly prohibits it. No problem whatsoever. Those paying customers of my firm can turn as their heart desires. My team members will agree to not turn right on red when we find ourselves at a corner when this maneuver is allowed. Sure, some drivers behind us may become angry and distressed over our unwillingness to make a legal turn, but they too can pay for our services and we will "offset" their impatient behavior by being very patient at a time when we should be angry. For paying customers, behavior neutrality is achieved! Oh, but my lifestyle offset services won't stop with driving transgressions; no sir. Everything is on the table with Offset Enterprises, Inc. If you're a parent who just cannot find the time to spend with your children--I'm your back door man! For a small price, I'll hang with them, take them to a ball game (expenses are extra of course) and pretend to really care about them. For an extra fee, I'll even let them call me "dad" once or twice. Boom, the end of parental guilt for my paying clients is at hand. Lifestyle neutrality is served again! No "footprint" problems for you, mister absent father. You want to go play poker with your buddies, but your wife wants to go antiquing, pick up the phone--operators at OE are standing by. We'll send someone out in an instant and the "little missus" will not know the difference. No marriage footprint issues here! The work of Offset Enterprises does not end there either. We're prepared to delve into full-scale social issues, starting with religious offsets, too. Everyone knows of these well-dressed, stuffed shirt religious types who run around mucking up the works in society. These people are clearly overstepping their bounds. Their religious and moral footprint is way too big. Now these people won't likely pay for our services, but for those of you who are disgusted with this behavior, send in your checks monthly. For a "small" monthly fee, we will agree to find a proportionate volume of citizens to commit "sins" and engage in other behavior which will offset the goody two shoes over the top religious zealots. We will ensure moral and ethical neutrality in total. As president of OE, I personally promise complete satisfaction in this area. If we at OE cannot find enough partners to commit sufficient nefarious acts to offset the fuddy-duddies, I will personally intervene and do it on my own. Because of the risks involved in these particular offsets, the rates are somewhat higher. Our services come in real handy for you bigots out there, too. That's right, for those of you who enjoy judging people based upon their skin color, religion, income levels, or any other miscellaneous characteristic, freedom is at hand! Your prepaid subscription to our program allows you to be completely unfettered in your judgments. Go ahead and hate someone just for their skin color; we'll love someone for the same reason. Throw stones, we'll throw roses. Your bigoted footprint will be neutralized and your guilt will be set aside. (Disclaimer: We at Offset Enterprises, Inc. cannot and do not assure reason or rationality to any client behaviors; we merely serve to offset the behavior for the purpose of allaying any related feelings of guilt. Those who do not feel such guilt would not benefit from our services.) Rest assured, friends, the end of your worries and guilt are here! My firm, Offset Enterprises, Inc., will assure that any and all actions which may weigh on your mind will be sufficiently canceled out to ensure no net impact to the world in total. You will sleep soundly knowing that, as a paying customer, your lifestyle footprint will be no larger than what you feel you are entitled to as a citizen. Feel free to throw that empty Coke can out of your car window, we'll pick one up somewhere else; abuse someone just for the fun of it, we'll be nice to someone who doesn't deserve it; kick a puppie, we'll pet a snake. Plus, if you act now, we will perform one offset deed free of charge in advance of any related behavior on your part, so you will always have an extra offset hiding in your back pocket--you know for one of those unexpected instances where you just might need it. ------------ About the author: Ed Abraham is a concerned citizen living in flyover country, U.S.A., who happens to be truly disgusted by the loss of common sense in our society and is doing all he can to try to reinstall it. Email: eabra@myway.com Comment on this article here! ------------ All articles are EXCLUSIVE to Useless-Knowledge.com. Please link to this article rather than copying and pasting it onto your site (which would be unauthorized and illegal). |
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